How necessary is confession?

[_Inconceivable]

charliezerozero,

Makes one wonder why a gynocologist would be any less human than the rest of us..

To really know yourself is to answer whether this is who you want to be. I think you answered this. Try to treat yourself with a little more graciousness, forgiveness and understanding. Confession is painful but I think ultimately necessary if you are to be one.

[_zeezrom]

Zeez,
I can see of no other way to overcome an obsession to look somewhere else for what I would call distractions from hapiness.

What exactly do you mean? Are you saying I would only be creating a distraction? I can see your point.

I am likely wrong on this, but my personal experience was that I was being selfish for a while and this approach helped me. I was spending a lot of time on my personal hobbies (first classic literature then computer programming) to the point where it was affecting my relationship with my wife. It may sound silly, but it really was a hard time for me. I might as well tell the story since it is related to my trouble with my "testimony".

I experienced a lot of shame and inadequacy in my life time and during my marriage. I wondered how much my wife loved me at times. In seeing that she wanted to do her own thing rather than spend time with me, I thought it useful to keep my mind off the situation by spending time on my personal hobbies. As long as I would keep doing my church calling and read the Book of Mormon, everything would be okay. But it wasn't ok. I would stay up until midnight reading books or programming and found myself using my personal interests as a way of keep my mind in check - away from the pain, if you will. We were in a pretty sorry state in regards to communication and intimacy. At times, I felt like it was my wife's fault. I look back and realize it was mostly me. We went on this way for a very long time.

Then, one day something snapped inside me. I realized I had control of my own happiness and that my happiness influences my family. I realized that I could look at my wife the same way I look at myself - I could strive for her happiness because I know she is a person that needs what I need. We are one and the same. I also realized that she deserves comfort, compassion, and love showered upon her - because she is a person striving to find those very things in life.

There were some other things I realized about women. Some things I wish I learned a long time ago. I went through a stage of understanding, I guess. I came out the other side with a view of women that is totally different than what I had previously. I choose not to explain the details.

Just days after this realization, I heard the fateful words from a fellow EQ brother, "Did you know Joseph Smith married more than 30 women, some of whom were very young and many behind Emma's back?" It was like the perfect storm. There was never a worse time in my life to hear those words the way he said them.

So upon that very hour that I snapped (it was around midnight), I went over to our kitchen table and wrote out a very long letter to my wife, explaining all my feelings for her and how badly I wanted for her happiness. It was like a baptism of fire. I finished the letter at around 3AM. From that point on - for about 2 weeks, I did the things I mentioned in my earlier post - total focus on my wife. She thought I was nuts - it actually kind of scared her!

Now I am back to normal, but I spend a lot more time talking to her, helping around the house, dressing better, holding her hand, writing her notes, and in all - just thinking about her a lot. Where I am now is that I consider her my total equal. I see that concept as a revelation from God (equality). This is why I consider polygamy not from God and a thousand horses could not pull that belief from me. The equality concept I hold is like a rock in my new view of the world. Everything resides on it.

[_Seven]

I am likely wrong on this, but my personal experience was that I was being selfish for a while and this approach helped me. I was spending a lot of time on my personal hobbies (first classic literature then computer programming) to the point where it was affecting my relationship with my wife. It may sound silly, but it really was a hard time for me. I might as well tell the story since it is related to my trouble with my "testimony".

I experienced a lot of shame and inadequacy in my life time and during my marriage. I wondered how much my wife loved me at times. In seeing that she wanted to do her own thing rather than spend time with me, I thought it useful to keep my mind off the situation by spending time on my personal hobbies. As long as I would keep doing my church calling and read the Book of Mormon, everything would be okay. But it wasn't ok. I would stay up until midnight reading books or programming and found myself using my personal interests as a way of keep my mind in check - away from the pain, if you will. We were in a pretty sorry state in regards to communication and intimacy. At times, I felt like it was my wife's fault. I look back and realize it was mostly me. We went on this way for a very long time.

Then, one day something snapped inside me. I realized I had control of my own happiness and that my happiness influences my family. I realized that I could look at my wife the same way I look at myself - I could strive for her happiness because I know she is a person that needs what I need. We are one and the same. I also realized that she deserves comfort, compassion, and love showered upon her - because she is a person striving to find those very things in life.

There were some other things I realized about women. Some things I wish I learned a long time ago. I went through a stage of understanding, I guess. I came out the other side with a view of women that is totally different than what I had previously. I choose not to explain the details.

Just days after this realization, I heard the fateful words from a fellow EQ brother, "Did you know Joseph Smith married more than 30 women, some of whom were very young and many behind Emma's back?" It was like the perfect storm. There was never a worse time in my life to hear those words the way he said them.

So upon that very hour that I snapped (it was around midnight), I went over to our kitchen table and wrote out a very long letter to my wife, explaining all my feelings for her and how badly I wanted for her happiness. It was like a baptism of fire. I finished the letter at around 3AM. From that point on - for about 2 weeks, I did the things I mentioned in my earlier post - total focus on my wife. She thought I was nuts - it actually kind of scared her!

Now I am back to normal, but I spend a lot more time talking to her, helping around the house, dressing better, holding her hand, writing her notes, and in all - just thinking about her a lot. Where I am now is that I consider her my total equal. I see that concept as a revelation from God (equality). This is why I consider polygamy not from God and a thousand horses could not pull that belief from me. The equality concept I hold is like a rock in my new view of the world. Everything resides on it.

Zeezrom, this goes down as one of my favorite posts ever. Thank you for sharing this beautiful experience.

[_greyhoundzrule]

Confess to the One who is your mediator. Read Hebrews.

This is just bad advice. There is no god or mediator. What he needs to do is go see a secular marriage counselor (not LDS or Evangelical or Catholic) and talk with his wife. Not pray to a non-existent being and read a pseudepigraphic rag. The only way to stop is to treat the problem and its causes, not fly to fantasy, because fantasy is what got him in this predicament.

[_Redefined]

This is absolutely NOT something between just you and "God", only because you are married and the wife disapproves. Porn, in my opinion, is not shameful. (void of any particular aspects like if it were childporn, non-consensually obtained/distributed, etc.) Maybe if it becomes an indulgence it would be. Keeping secrets from your wife is shameful. . . in the least disrespectful and inconsiderate. She should have the option of getting off the boat if things can't be worked out, instead of getting on the boat unaware or under false-pretenses.

[_zeezrom]

This is absolutely NOT something between just you and "God"....

Good point Redefined.

I feel that if you can get to the point where you are always talking to your spouse, discussing things that are uncomfortable or shameful become much easier.

If this issue is destined to "rock the boat", so be it. At least you understand each other. Misunderstandings are very, very unfortunate.

[Anonymous]

.

[_zeezrom]

I feel that sometimes a lot of discussion with my wife relieves tension and cravings and whatnot. Am I alone in this notion?

Last night after some serious discussion, we decided we needed to lighten things up so we talked about our favorite Gary Larsen jokes then I asked my wife how she would feel about joining me in attempting some blue darts. Amazingly, serious discussions that "bring the spirit in" are not always what we need.

[_Hoops]

This might seem weird and may or may not be for you. Try an experiment. Spend one week where all you do is think of your wife's happiness, joy, and pleasure. For her, that might be how you dress, cleaning the kitchen, holding her hand. Fantasize about her as often as possible and tell her about it - write her notes or emails. Ask her what she wants at home, away from home, in the bedroom, whatever. Show her you can't stop thinking about her. It might be hard to go a whole week like this but consider it an experiment that will end...or not. Show her that you have no consideration for your own pleasure for the time being. Don't expect or ask for anything in return. Talk to her a lot - no TV or personal interests - only her interests. Put your mind into it. You are not playing a game. It is real - because it could become real - in a way. And for heaven's sake, let the guilt go for the week. Consider yourself a new man.

It may not be for you, I don't know.

What an interesting idea. Thanks for offering.

[_Inconceivable]

What exactly do you mean? Are you saying I would only be creating a distraction? I can see your point.

First of all, thankyou for your background story. I'm inspired by what you have done.

I should have edited my comment (it didn't make any sense to me when I re-read it today).

What I meant is what you have demonstrated:

In order for us to overcome our inadequacies and unhapiness, we must not only cease our negative behavior, but also fill the void with things that are useful/contributing. Otherwise we will find ourselves returning to the distractions, bad habits, obsessions or addictions.

What you found to fill the void you created is what has brought you and your bride greater hapiness.

One more thing. Behaviors we need to adjust aren't necesarilly bad. It's more about evaluting how we can fill our lives with things that bring us and those around us greater peace and hapiness.

Life seems to be all about identifying and overcoming distractions that keep us from enjoying peace and hapiness.