Moving Forward....Taking that next step AFTER the venting

[_Yoda]

After reading Wade's convoluted thread involving the evils of venting, I thought it might be nice to start a topic which may really spark some helpful discussion.

Many posters here have gone through, or are currently going through stages of venting and anger based on their disbelief in the Church.

Some, however, have successfully moved beyond this stage.

One point of Wade's that I do agree with (don't faint, Wade) is that it is unhealthy to wallow in a victim mode.

You are in charge of your own life, and when it comes down to it, no one can pull you up by the bootstraps and move forward but you. In the end, no one who has wronged you, whether it be the GA's in the Church, false historians, etc., is going to lose sleep over your distress. You have to make the decision to piece your life back together and be happy. No one else can do that for you.

I think it would be helpful to exchange success stories of those who have accomplished this. I found GIRM's story to be particularly inspiring.

I think it would be very beneficial to exchange ideas on how to move forward.

Anyone game?

[_Runtu]

For me, what helped me move on was making decisions and sticking to them. My family kept trying to renegotiate things, so one moment they were OK with where I was, and the next they weren't. So we kept having the same crises and arguments. I finally stood up for myself and said that I was who I am and that it was up to them to deal with that reality.

Best thing I ever did.

[_harmony]

One of the reasons people get so stuck on vent-mode is because it's impossible to get un-stuck if everyone you care about is still entangled. If the 'stuck' ones were all free from family, work, social, and cultural entanglements, maybe it wouldn't be so hard to move on. As it is, the constant reminders are excruiatingly painful for some of these people. Finding the balance requires compromise from all sides, and we all know how much TBM's like to compromise. It's not always that the 'stuck' ones aren't moving on; it's that the TBM's in their lives won't let them move on.

So the question becomes: how do people who have successfully moved on get out of the entanglements? Do they ditch their spouses and their families? Change jobs? Move? How do they get their TBM entanglements to compromise?

[_Yoda]

One of the reasons people get so stuck on vent-mode is because it's impossible to get un-stuck if everyone you care about is still entangled. If the 'stuck' ones were all free from family, work, social, and cultural entanglements, maybe it wouldn't be so hard to move on. As it is, the constant reminders are excruiatingly painful for some of these people. Finding the balance requires compromise from all sides, and we all know how much TBM's like to compromise. It's not always that the 'stuck' ones aren't moving on; it's that the TBM's in their lives won't let them move on.

So the question becomes: how do people who have successfully moved on get out of the entanglements? Do they ditch their spouses and their families? Change jobs? Move? How do they get their TBM entanglements to compromise?

Excellent points, Harmony! And, building on those questions, I'll throw one more out there. If they can't get their TBM entagnlements to compromise, how do they adjust to this and still lead healthy, happy, productive lives?

[_Runtu]

One of the reasons people get so stuck on vent-mode is because it's impossible to get un-stuck if everyone you care about is still entangled. If the 'stuck' ones were all free from family, work, social, and cultural entanglements, maybe it wouldn't be so hard to move on. As it is, the constant reminders are excruiatingly painful for some of these people. Finding the balance requires compromise from all sides, and we all know how much TBM's like to compromise. It's not always that the 'stuck' ones aren't moving on; it's that the TBM's in their lives won't let them move on.

So the question becomes: how do people who have successfully moved on get out of the entanglements? Do they ditch their spouses and their families? Change jobs? Move? How do they get their TBM entanglements to compromise?

Excellent points, Harmony! And, building on those questions, I'll throw one more out there. If they can't get their TBM entagnlements to compromise, how do they adjust to this and still lead healthy, happy, productive lives?

Well, that's the thing. For me, it was simply the decision to live life on my terms. I guess I just figured out where I had to draw the line on compromise and then just ride out the consequences. So far, it's working.

[_harmony]

One of the reasons people get so stuck on vent-mode is because it's impossible to get un-stuck if everyone you care about is still entangled. If the 'stuck' ones were all free from family, work, social, and cultural entanglements, maybe it wouldn't be so hard to move on. As it is, the constant reminders are excruiatingly painful for some of these people. Finding the balance requires compromise from all sides, and we all know how much TBM's like to compromise. It's not always that the 'stuck' ones aren't moving on; it's that the TBM's in their lives won't let them move on.

So the question becomes: how do people who have successfully moved on get out of the entanglements? Do they ditch their spouses and their families? Change jobs? Move? How do they get their TBM entanglements to compromise?

Excellent points, Harmony! And, building on those questions, I'll throw one more out there. If they can't get their TBM entagnlements to compromise, how do they adjust to this and still lead healthy, happy, productive lives?

Well, that's the thing. For me, it was simply the decision to live life on my terms. I guess I just figured out where I had to draw the line on compromise and then just ride out the consequences. So far, it's working.

Some people risk losing everything... their spouse, their children, their parents, siblings... everything. I'd worry about such extremes, both on the part of the one leaving the church and on the part of those requiring church membership in order to be part of their family. Is it worth ripping the family apart in order to force someone to remain? Is it worth ripping the family apart in order to leave?

Those questions should never be asked, in my opinion. My family refused to demand that, when I joined the LDS church. I wonder if my family now would, were I to leave?

[_Runtu]

Some people risk losing everything... their spouse, their children, their parents, siblings... everything. I'd worry about such extremes, both on the part of the one leaving the church and on the part of those requiring church membership in order to be part of their family. Is it worth ripping the family apart in order to force someone to remain? Is it worth ripping the family apart in order to leave?

Those questions should never be asked, in my opinion. My family refused to demand that, when I joined the LDS church. I wonder if my family now would, were I to leave?

Oh, absolutely. If I were forced to choose between my family and leaving the church, I'd go back to the church in a heartbeat and grit my teeth and smile. My family is worth more to me than that. What I mean is that once you compromise, you have to realize that you can't keep renegotiating. That's a recipe for a long period of resentment and anger.

[_harmony]

Some people risk losing everything... their spouse, their children, their parents, siblings... everything. I'd worry about such extremes, both on the part of the one leaving the church and on the part of those requiring church membership in order to be part of their family. Is it worth ripping the family apart in order to force someone to remain? Is it worth ripping the family apart in order to leave?

Those questions should never be asked, in my opinion. My family refused to demand that, when I joined the LDS church. I wonder if my family now would, were I to leave?

Oh, absolutely. If I were forced to choose between my family and leaving the church, I'd go back to the church in a heartbeat and grit my teeth and smile. My family is worth more to me than that. What I mean is that once you compromise, you have to realize that you can't keep renegotiating. That's a recipe for a long period of resentment and anger.

What does it say about the ones demanding that though? About a love that conditional, that if you aren't a member of the LDS church or whatever else the demand would be (fill in the blank with ... straight, married, the gender you born with, etc.), I won't love you? And yet that is the demand many who leave the church get.

[_MormonMendacity]

One of the questions I struggled with was what "moving on" meant. I was not sure where my moral center was, having believed that it came from within Mormonism.

I sincerely believed that some ancient religious philosophy must hold the key and that Mormonism had only co-opted, added to and adulterated a truer belief system.

When I began to question those philosophies, I wondered why I didn't just become completely immoral and embark on a murdering, cheating rampage. I had often assumed that a person without religion was rudderless.

I found that I didn't want to hurt people. I found that I wanted to be free of Mormonisms controls and move about this planet under my own sense of right and wrong. I found that Mormonism and I were not a good fit and that many of the things I had been taught -- like "In God We Trust" -- were only slogans that did not improve my life or the lives of those I love.

As I have come to understand myself I feel I have come to better understand the lies I was taught as a Mormon. I find that the universe is not a mean and dangerous place. My life is a wonderful experience and although I have some unhappiness about the LDS part of that experience, I'm getting more relaxed about it.

[_truth dancer]

Hi Liz... nice topic.

My observation is that the process is not a straight line of stages nor is it the same for everyone. We have such different backgrounds, circumstances, and biology that it seems each person has to find a way that is their own, to move on.

For me, what has helped the most is following my heart and doing what feels/seems right thereby embracing something new rather than trying to fight the old. In other words, as I live true to myself and do my best (not that it is always that good), to bring light and peace into my life in the best way I can, the past is less significant and difficult.

Now, it is not always easy because most of us, as harmony stated, will always have the church in our lives due to family, friends, community etc. We will always face the issues that result from our loved ones as believers (not attending the temple, feeling pressure from family, etc), but over time we can better deal with them, the anger and sorrow subside, people find ways to move forward.

~dancer~