Hi Janey!
I won't pretned to understand everything you are going through. I have, however, had times in my life where I felt like I wanted to disappear, and just "check out". The only thing that kept me going were my children.
I hope that you are getting the medical/psychological counseling that you need. It sounds like you have some severe issues that require a combination of medication and counseling.
I wish that there was not such a stigma that still exists when it comes to treating mental illnesses. It is an illness, just like an illness that would randomly strike any other part of the body. There are treatments, however, and you do have the ability to take the reigns of your life again, and be happy and healthy.
Life is definitely not fair. Sh** happens to all of us.
One thing that your sister said in her blog that really does stand out, and I agree with is this:
"I do believe that I am responsible for my response to my life. "
We are responsible for how we live our lives, and for how we react to trying circumstances. If we choose to let the bad circumstances lead our lives, then who are we hurting? We're hurting ourselves, and possibly those we love as well.
If we are proactive, and can rise above difficult circumstances, then we can not only be a positive influence to others, but also be happy ourselves.
:)
Good luck on this journey. I have faith in you.
I need help!
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_jayneedoe
- _Emeritus
- Posts: 92
- Joined: Sat Oct 28, 2006 6:29 am
Jersey Girl wrote:jayneedoe wrote:Jersey Girl wrote:I'd also like to know if you're the poster I gave the "Pooh/Piglet" quote to? I'll be back in a few minutes to see if you have replied.
Jersey Girl
Sure, you may ask any questions you want.
No, I'm not the recipient of "Pooh/Piglet" quote.
Jaynee
Hi Jersey Girl,Where to start...well, watch me rattle off a list! Answer what you feel comfortable with.
1. What was your childhood like? Am I wrong to assume there was severe abuse and/or neglect? Were your parents engaged in substance abuse (including alcohol).
There was severe physical, emotional and sexual abuse. My father's drugs of choice were alcohol and prescription drugs, my mother's was the Mormon church, and I mean that literally. She was just as dysfunctional as he was.2. Which one of your parents was mentally ill and do you have any understanding of how that came about?
They both were. My father suicided in 1975. In fact, my plans were to suicide this February. He suicided on February 17 when he was 51. I just turned 51. Once I had this thought in my I truly thought it was my destiny and there was no going back. I really thought I had to die. I've been strategizing it for years. But I DO NOT think that anymore. Truly.
I have great empathy for my father today. His childhood was horrific and the truth is he never had a chance. And though I have issues with my mother I am also extremely fortunate because she acknowledges her roll in the abuse of my childhood. Not many abuse victims get that. I do.3. Do you have a good therapist with whom you can share your thoughts with and someone to follow your meds if you're on them?
I’m seeing someone who comes highly recommended. So far so good, though I’ve only been seeing her a couple of months. She is a psychiatric nurse at the pain clinic I attend. She monitors my psych meds, which unfortunately do not do a lot to lift my depression--they never have. However, she did add Zyprexa to the mix and it has really helped with the terror dreams. That is huge to me.4. Are you eating? Sleeping? Right now?
Yes, with medication. Otherwise I never sleep.5. Do you live alone or with someone else?
I live with my mother and daughter. Again, I am extremely fortunate as my mother actually bought a house for us both to live in so I would have a place to live. I am officially disabled and would be on the streets otherwise.
This has been a mixed blessing, however. She and I couldn’t be more polarized. She is, to be blunt, a bigot and a racist. I despise that. There are other issues as well.
But wonderful woman that she is, she just paid to have the upstairs completed, including a bathroom, and now I have a wonderful apartment of my own where I see her when I can and stay to myself when I need to. We jus share the kitchen.
Honestly, I have spent hours in despair living with her. Yet she has given me so much. I consider myself one of the luckiest people on the planet physically because of what’s she’s done for me.
However, psychologically I have no one. I have my daughter, who is the absolute light of my life, but I don’t want to burden her. She listens to me, but of course she doesn’t like hearing things about her family, so I try very hard not to go there with her. That’s why I decided to write about it here. I really have no one to talk to about it, other than my therapist.6. Why were you and your sister thrown out of the house?
My mother had a sort of nervous breakdown and threw us all out. I’m the oldest, two boys and then a sister. Honestly, I think she did it because she had no power against my father, but she could control us, so instead of throwing him out, she threw us out. But I really don’t know.7. Does your sister acknowledge that she, along with you, was thrown out of the house?
Yes, but she doesn’t acknowledge that it was as bad for us, because she was the one who spent the night alone in a boat.
(You know, your just asking the question is very helpful to me.)8. Why did you think that you had to die?
I wrote about it a little above. But, even now it’s very odd to me, and I don’t quite understand it. But I really thought I HAD to. I didn’t think I had a choice. It was my only option to end this pain that I have lived with all my life, but especially the last ten years. So many things have happened, lost love, illness, betrayal, cruelty, abandonment. I never will recover. Honestly, it has changed me. But I know I don’t have to die.9. How are you feeling right now, emotionally?
I don’t spend every moment strategizing how I’m going to die, and I get it that that is a good thing!
I realize that I have two children who I have to live for, and honestly, it’s because they gave me a gift that I’ll share with you.
They told me that as they were at my bedside while I was still asleep, they discussed how I would finally be out of pain if I did die, and that that would be a good thing. They got my pain! Finally, after years of trying to explain how desolate and excruciating my life was, they got it. And they were so kind about it, it helped me see that I couldn’t die. Does that make any sense?
I spend a lot of energy keeping myself up. Death used to linger around me so that I was tainted by it. It was in my every thought and that's not completely gone. But I won't allow myself to entertain those thoughts. So I spend a lot of time trying desperately to come up with different thoughts.
My daughter is extremely helpful in that she is very playful. She is the one person I can try and act like a child around, and laugh . . . god I need to laugh! I need it so much, this makes me cry. I've had no laughter for years . . . it's just been pain and bleakness and this hovering void of death.
I really do get how melodramatic this sounds, but it's so true. How do I feel? Like I don't want to die, but I don't know how to stay alive yet. I'm sick and fat and old and my sister yells at me and I don't know why and it f****** hurts.
To everyone who responded, thank you so much for your kindness, wisdom and perspective. I'm very moved that you would reply. I assure you I want to live and I take your wisdcom seriously. I know I don't have it all down pat yet. I know I have to be responsinble for where my life takes me now. I know I'm still that 15-year-old who just go thrown out of her house with nowhere to go, but I'm looking. And I think it's great that I found a place to at least just talk about it.
So don't worry about me, okay?
-
_jayneedoe
- _Emeritus
- Posts: 92
- Joined: Sat Oct 28, 2006 6:29 am
liz3564 wrote:One thing that your sister said in her blog that really does stand out, and I agree with is this:
"I do believe that I am responsible for my response to my life. "
Hi Liz,
I quoted this because I wanted to clear up a misunderstanding I think I created.
I don't disagre with my sister here. And I want you to know she does, for the most part, live her life this way.
It just seemed, to me, that it was hypocritical because she wrote this mere days after she stuck her finger in my face and told me I was responsible for her abandonment issues. She literally did and said that.
In other words, how she chooses to respond to her abandonment issues is to blame me because I wasn't there when she had to spend the night alone in a boat. I wasn't there because my parents kicked me out of the house.
I can't tell you how hurtful this was to me. I know, I know. I can't be hurt unless I choose to be hurt.
I'm sorry--I don't buy that. It just f****** hurts. I'll deal with it and go on. But it really hurts.
Jaynee
-
_jayneedoe
- _Emeritus
- Posts: 92
- Joined: Sat Oct 28, 2006 6:29 am
-
_Jersey Girl
- _Emeritus
- Posts: 34407
- Joined: Wed Oct 25, 2006 1:16 am
jayneedoe,
Isn't it a good thing to be able to talk or write and just to know that someone out there has heard you? Your sharing your story on this board might be of help to someone else on this board or to those lurking in.
Me: Where to start...well, watch me rattle off a list! Answer what you feel comfortable with.
1. What was your childhood like? Am I wrong to assume there was severe abuse and/or neglect? Were your parents engaged in substance abuse (including alcohol).
You: There was severe physical, emotional and sexual abuse. My father's drugs of choice were alcohol and prescription drugs, my mother's was the Mormon church, and I mean that literally. She was just as dysfunctional as he was.
Me New: Whenever I discern severe abuse, I tend to look for the alcohol. While there are other substances available, alcohol is so easily accessible. So, the above comes as no surprise to me. You are an ACOA, Adult Child of an Alcoholic. If you have not had a chance to cover it in therapy, ask your therapist to discuss codependency and it's effect on the child who grows to become the ACOA. Finding out more about that will give you great insight into the dynamics of your family, almost as if you are standing back and looking at a picture of your family "in action". It will help you to see the "roles" that are taken by family members, including your own. Do you like to read? I'll give you a book title here that was pivotal to my understanding of the dynamics of a family where alcohol abuse is present.
'It Will Never Happen to Me!' Children of Alcoholics: As Youngsters - Adolescents - Adults by Claudia Black.
Me: 2. Which one of your parents was mentally ill and do you have any understanding of how that came about?
You: They both were. My father suicided in 1975. In fact, my plans were to suicide this February. He suicided on February 17 when he was 51. I just turned 51. Once I had this thought in my I truly thought it was my destiny and there was no going back. I really thought I had to die. I've been strategizing it for years. But I DO NOT think that anymore. Truly.
Me New: Good, I want to see a post from you here on February 18th, okay? Isn't it amazing how we can become caught in the type of mindset where we are essentially determining our own destiny based on that of another? You have a right to your own individual journey, jayneedoe. Don't let someone else write the script for you.
You: I have great empathy for my father today. His childhood was horrific and the truth is he never had a chance. And though I have issues with my mother I am also extremely fortunate because she acknowledges her roll in the abuse of my childhood. Not many abuse victims get that. I do.
Me New: Validation is everything to one who has been abused. Being able to "see" your Father as a child and the events that caused his pain, I think, is essential in your own healing. People who abuse substances are self anesthetizing. His "pieces" are part of the puzzle that is the story of your beginnnings. Inspite of the obstacles that you live with, you can choose how that story continues.
Me: 3. Do you have a good therapist with whom you can share your thoughts with and someone to follow your meds if you're on them?
You: I’m seeing someone who comes highly recommended. So far so good, though I’ve only been seeing her a couple of months. She is a psychiatric nurse at the pain clinic I attend. She monitors my psych meds, which unfortunately do not do a lot to lift my depression--they never have. However, she did add Zyprexa to the mix and it has really helped with the terror dreams. That is huge to me.
Me New: I say, do whatever it takes, jayneedoe! If the Zyprexa helps to alleviate the night time horrors/flashbacks/nightmares, then that is what you need to do in order to gain restorative sleep. I know how debilitating depression based insomnia can be.
Me: 4. Are you eating? Sleeping? Right now?
You: Yes, with medication. Otherwise I never sleep.
Me New: I understand the part insomnia plays and that's why I asked.
Me: 5. Do you live alone or with someone else?
You: I live with my mother and daughter. Again, I am extremely fortunate as my mother actually bought a house for us both to live in so I would have a place to live. I am officially disabled and would be on the streets otherwise.
This has been a mixed blessing, however. She and I couldn’t be more polarized. She is, to be blunt, a bigot and a racist. I despise that. There are other issues as well.
But wonderful woman that she is, she just paid to have the upstairs completed, including a bathroom, and now I have a wonderful apartment of my own where I see her when I can and stay to myself when I need to. We jus share the kitchen.
Me New: Having privacy and the ability to distance yourself has got to be an enormous benefit to you. Dwell on that!
You: Honestly, I have spent hours in despair living with her. Yet she has given me so much. I consider myself one of the luckiest people on the planet physically because of what’s she’s done for me.
However, psychologically I have no one. I have my daughter, who is the absolute light of my life, but I don’t want to burden her. She listens to me, but of course she doesn’t like hearing things about her family, so I try very hard not to go there with her. That’s why I decided to write about it here. I really have no one to talk to about it, other than my therapist.
Me New: You can sure write about your thoughts and ideas on this board. You could create your own blog here so that you can write out what's on your mind and know that others will "hear" what you have to say. I've always found journaling to be very helpful. You could actually take excerpts of your online blog to your therapist for discussion!
Me: 6. Why were you and your sister thrown out of the house?
You: My mother had a sort of nervous breakdown and threw us all out. I’m the oldest, two boys and then a sister. Honestly, I think she did it because she had no power against my father, but she could control us, so instead of throwing him out, she threw us out. But I really don’t know.
Me New: Given your remarks about your sister, I was going to ask you if you were the oldest. I had made a few "guesses" about the family dynamics/alcohol and substance abuse and I had you "pegged" for first born. I'm a good guesser! Try the book I mentioned earlier...great insights! You say that your mother had no power against your father, I'm wondering if you've given consideration to the fact that she was likely (guessing here again) financially dependent on him as well. People wonder how a mother could send her children away. If I have the time period right (given your age) we often forget what life was like back in the 50's/60's and what little potential women had for independence. Just my 2 cents there!
Me: 7. Does your sister acknowledge that she, along with you, was thrown out of the house?
You: Yes, but she doesn’t acknowledge that it was as bad for us, because she was the one who spent the night alone in a boat.
Me New: How did you get separated? Does she know how that happened? Or was it one crazy night when everyone "scattered"?
You: (You know, your just asking the question is very helpful to me.)
Me New: What I see here is that you were all emotionally/physically/ psychologically abandoned long before that night. You were all again, abandoned that night in a more literal sense. It's understandable that she felt abandoned by you (caretaker ring a bell?) but I wonder too, if you and she have ever had a conversation about exactly what happened or how you got separated. Being in a family where there is alcohol abuse (and other kinds of abuses) sometimes causes a dynamic where people learn not to talk and communicate. Maybe one day, you could invite your sister to a conjoint session with your therapist?
Me: 8. Why did you think that you had to die?
You: I wrote about it a little above. But, even now it’s very odd to me, and I don’t quite understand it. But I really thought I HAD to. I didn’t think I had a choice. It was my only option to end this pain that I have lived with all my life, but especially the last ten years. So many things have happened, lost love, illness, betrayal, cruelty, abandonment. I never will recover. Honestly, it has changed me. But I know I don’t have to die.
Me New: Good! I still want to see a post from you on this board Feb 18th, okay? Demanding sort, aren't I? Really, I want to see it.
Me: 9. How are you feeling right now, emotionally?
You: I don’t spend every moment strategizing how I’m going to die, and I get it that that is a good thing!
Me New: Well, hey, I'd say so!
You: I realize that I have two children who I have to live for, and honestly, it’s because they gave me a gift that I’ll share with you.
They told me that as they were at my bedside while I was still asleep, they discussed how I would finally be out of pain if I did die, and that that would be a good thing. They got my pain! Finally, after years of trying to explain how desolate and excruciating my life was, they got it. And they were so kind about it, it helped me see that I couldn’t die. Does that make any sense?
Me New: Heck yes, it makes all the sense in the world. They connected to your insides, jayneedoe.
You: I spend a lot of energy keeping myself up. Death used to linger around me so that I was tainted by it. It was in my every thought and that's not completely gone. But I won't allow myself to entertain those thoughts. So I spend a lot of time trying desperately to come up with different thoughts.
Me New: Have you developed a way of helping yourself uh, build a bridge from one day to the next? Some way of helping yourself "see" past the moment? Are there thought stopping strategies that you use? I think that when we're in situation that leaves us housebound and feeling isolated, we so easily fall into the hole. It sounds like your ability to interact outside of your immediate surroundings is limited. Know what? That computer can serve as your link to the outside, jayneedoe. So, when are we gonna see your blog? I'm telling you, lady, you can make a blog, decorate it to your liking and settle in right here with us.
You: My daughter is extremely helpful in that she is very playful. She is the one person I can try and act like a child around, and laugh . . . god I need to laugh! I need it so much, this makes me cry. I've had no laughter for years . . . it's just been pain and bleakness and this hovering void of death.
Me New: There are people on this board far more qualified than me to tell you the benefits of laughter. Is there any way for you to get out of the house, jaynee? Is there a way for you to interact with children as a volunteer? You don't have to answer that, just putting a bug in your ear.
You: I really do get how melodramatic this sounds, but it's so true. How do I feel? Like I don't want to die, but I don't know how to stay alive yet. I'm sick and fat and old and my sister yells at me and I don't know why and it f****** hurts.
Me New: Melodramatic? Not at all. It sounds like total reality to me. Maybe your sister yells at you....because it f****** hurts her too, jaynee, and she doesn't know what else to do with it. What do you love? (Besides your family). What is your passion, jayneedoe?
You: To everyone who responded, thank you so much for your kindness, wisdom and perspective. I'm very moved that you would reply. I assure you I want to live and I take your wisdcom seriously. I know I don't have it all down pat yet. I know I have to be responsinble for where my life takes me now. I know I'm still that 15-year-old who just go thrown out of her house with nowhere to go, but I'm looking. And I think it's great that I found a place to at least just talk about it.
Me New: You are a smart woman, jayneedoe. You have connected so many of the "dots" in understanding what happened to you and how it impacted you. I want to tell you something about me. Someone, after hearing well, the essential story of my life, described me as "unsinkable". Do you know what? You are unsinkable too. You have survived for 51 years of God knows what, and here you are. Strength comes from within us and sometimes we draw our strength from others. Even on boards like this. The written word and the ability to make contact are very powerful! I hope that the comments you've read on this thread have given you some strength.
You: So don't worry about me, okay?
Me New: I look forward to reading your post on February 18th! ;-)
Isn't it a good thing to be able to talk or write and just to know that someone out there has heard you? Your sharing your story on this board might be of help to someone else on this board or to those lurking in.
Me: Where to start...well, watch me rattle off a list! Answer what you feel comfortable with.
1. What was your childhood like? Am I wrong to assume there was severe abuse and/or neglect? Were your parents engaged in substance abuse (including alcohol).
You: There was severe physical, emotional and sexual abuse. My father's drugs of choice were alcohol and prescription drugs, my mother's was the Mormon church, and I mean that literally. She was just as dysfunctional as he was.
Me New: Whenever I discern severe abuse, I tend to look for the alcohol. While there are other substances available, alcohol is so easily accessible. So, the above comes as no surprise to me. You are an ACOA, Adult Child of an Alcoholic. If you have not had a chance to cover it in therapy, ask your therapist to discuss codependency and it's effect on the child who grows to become the ACOA. Finding out more about that will give you great insight into the dynamics of your family, almost as if you are standing back and looking at a picture of your family "in action". It will help you to see the "roles" that are taken by family members, including your own. Do you like to read? I'll give you a book title here that was pivotal to my understanding of the dynamics of a family where alcohol abuse is present.
'It Will Never Happen to Me!' Children of Alcoholics: As Youngsters - Adolescents - Adults by Claudia Black.
Me: 2. Which one of your parents was mentally ill and do you have any understanding of how that came about?
You: They both were. My father suicided in 1975. In fact, my plans were to suicide this February. He suicided on February 17 when he was 51. I just turned 51. Once I had this thought in my I truly thought it was my destiny and there was no going back. I really thought I had to die. I've been strategizing it for years. But I DO NOT think that anymore. Truly.
Me New: Good, I want to see a post from you here on February 18th, okay? Isn't it amazing how we can become caught in the type of mindset where we are essentially determining our own destiny based on that of another? You have a right to your own individual journey, jayneedoe. Don't let someone else write the script for you.
You: I have great empathy for my father today. His childhood was horrific and the truth is he never had a chance. And though I have issues with my mother I am also extremely fortunate because she acknowledges her roll in the abuse of my childhood. Not many abuse victims get that. I do.
Me New: Validation is everything to one who has been abused. Being able to "see" your Father as a child and the events that caused his pain, I think, is essential in your own healing. People who abuse substances are self anesthetizing. His "pieces" are part of the puzzle that is the story of your beginnnings. Inspite of the obstacles that you live with, you can choose how that story continues.
Me: 3. Do you have a good therapist with whom you can share your thoughts with and someone to follow your meds if you're on them?
You: I’m seeing someone who comes highly recommended. So far so good, though I’ve only been seeing her a couple of months. She is a psychiatric nurse at the pain clinic I attend. She monitors my psych meds, which unfortunately do not do a lot to lift my depression--they never have. However, she did add Zyprexa to the mix and it has really helped with the terror dreams. That is huge to me.
Me New: I say, do whatever it takes, jayneedoe! If the Zyprexa helps to alleviate the night time horrors/flashbacks/nightmares, then that is what you need to do in order to gain restorative sleep. I know how debilitating depression based insomnia can be.
Me: 4. Are you eating? Sleeping? Right now?
You: Yes, with medication. Otherwise I never sleep.
Me New: I understand the part insomnia plays and that's why I asked.
Me: 5. Do you live alone or with someone else?
You: I live with my mother and daughter. Again, I am extremely fortunate as my mother actually bought a house for us both to live in so I would have a place to live. I am officially disabled and would be on the streets otherwise.
This has been a mixed blessing, however. She and I couldn’t be more polarized. She is, to be blunt, a bigot and a racist. I despise that. There are other issues as well.
But wonderful woman that she is, she just paid to have the upstairs completed, including a bathroom, and now I have a wonderful apartment of my own where I see her when I can and stay to myself when I need to. We jus share the kitchen.
Me New: Having privacy and the ability to distance yourself has got to be an enormous benefit to you. Dwell on that!
You: Honestly, I have spent hours in despair living with her. Yet she has given me so much. I consider myself one of the luckiest people on the planet physically because of what’s she’s done for me.
However, psychologically I have no one. I have my daughter, who is the absolute light of my life, but I don’t want to burden her. She listens to me, but of course she doesn’t like hearing things about her family, so I try very hard not to go there with her. That’s why I decided to write about it here. I really have no one to talk to about it, other than my therapist.
Me New: You can sure write about your thoughts and ideas on this board. You could create your own blog here so that you can write out what's on your mind and know that others will "hear" what you have to say. I've always found journaling to be very helpful. You could actually take excerpts of your online blog to your therapist for discussion!
Me: 6. Why were you and your sister thrown out of the house?
You: My mother had a sort of nervous breakdown and threw us all out. I’m the oldest, two boys and then a sister. Honestly, I think she did it because she had no power against my father, but she could control us, so instead of throwing him out, she threw us out. But I really don’t know.
Me New: Given your remarks about your sister, I was going to ask you if you were the oldest. I had made a few "guesses" about the family dynamics/alcohol and substance abuse and I had you "pegged" for first born. I'm a good guesser! Try the book I mentioned earlier...great insights! You say that your mother had no power against your father, I'm wondering if you've given consideration to the fact that she was likely (guessing here again) financially dependent on him as well. People wonder how a mother could send her children away. If I have the time period right (given your age) we often forget what life was like back in the 50's/60's and what little potential women had for independence. Just my 2 cents there!
Me: 7. Does your sister acknowledge that she, along with you, was thrown out of the house?
You: Yes, but she doesn’t acknowledge that it was as bad for us, because she was the one who spent the night alone in a boat.
Me New: How did you get separated? Does she know how that happened? Or was it one crazy night when everyone "scattered"?
You: (You know, your just asking the question is very helpful to me.)
Me New: What I see here is that you were all emotionally/physically/ psychologically abandoned long before that night. You were all again, abandoned that night in a more literal sense. It's understandable that she felt abandoned by you (caretaker ring a bell?) but I wonder too, if you and she have ever had a conversation about exactly what happened or how you got separated. Being in a family where there is alcohol abuse (and other kinds of abuses) sometimes causes a dynamic where people learn not to talk and communicate. Maybe one day, you could invite your sister to a conjoint session with your therapist?
Me: 8. Why did you think that you had to die?
You: I wrote about it a little above. But, even now it’s very odd to me, and I don’t quite understand it. But I really thought I HAD to. I didn’t think I had a choice. It was my only option to end this pain that I have lived with all my life, but especially the last ten years. So many things have happened, lost love, illness, betrayal, cruelty, abandonment. I never will recover. Honestly, it has changed me. But I know I don’t have to die.
Me New: Good! I still want to see a post from you on this board Feb 18th, okay? Demanding sort, aren't I? Really, I want to see it.
Me: 9. How are you feeling right now, emotionally?
You: I don’t spend every moment strategizing how I’m going to die, and I get it that that is a good thing!
Me New: Well, hey, I'd say so!
You: I realize that I have two children who I have to live for, and honestly, it’s because they gave me a gift that I’ll share with you.
They told me that as they were at my bedside while I was still asleep, they discussed how I would finally be out of pain if I did die, and that that would be a good thing. They got my pain! Finally, after years of trying to explain how desolate and excruciating my life was, they got it. And they were so kind about it, it helped me see that I couldn’t die. Does that make any sense?
Me New: Heck yes, it makes all the sense in the world. They connected to your insides, jayneedoe.
You: I spend a lot of energy keeping myself up. Death used to linger around me so that I was tainted by it. It was in my every thought and that's not completely gone. But I won't allow myself to entertain those thoughts. So I spend a lot of time trying desperately to come up with different thoughts.
Me New: Have you developed a way of helping yourself uh, build a bridge from one day to the next? Some way of helping yourself "see" past the moment? Are there thought stopping strategies that you use? I think that when we're in situation that leaves us housebound and feeling isolated, we so easily fall into the hole. It sounds like your ability to interact outside of your immediate surroundings is limited. Know what? That computer can serve as your link to the outside, jayneedoe. So, when are we gonna see your blog? I'm telling you, lady, you can make a blog, decorate it to your liking and settle in right here with us.
You: My daughter is extremely helpful in that she is very playful. She is the one person I can try and act like a child around, and laugh . . . god I need to laugh! I need it so much, this makes me cry. I've had no laughter for years . . . it's just been pain and bleakness and this hovering void of death.
Me New: There are people on this board far more qualified than me to tell you the benefits of laughter. Is there any way for you to get out of the house, jaynee? Is there a way for you to interact with children as a volunteer? You don't have to answer that, just putting a bug in your ear.
You: I really do get how melodramatic this sounds, but it's so true. How do I feel? Like I don't want to die, but I don't know how to stay alive yet. I'm sick and fat and old and my sister yells at me and I don't know why and it f****** hurts.
Me New: Melodramatic? Not at all. It sounds like total reality to me. Maybe your sister yells at you....because it f****** hurts her too, jaynee, and she doesn't know what else to do with it. What do you love? (Besides your family). What is your passion, jayneedoe?
You: To everyone who responded, thank you so much for your kindness, wisdom and perspective. I'm very moved that you would reply. I assure you I want to live and I take your wisdcom seriously. I know I don't have it all down pat yet. I know I have to be responsinble for where my life takes me now. I know I'm still that 15-year-old who just go thrown out of her house with nowhere to go, but I'm looking. And I think it's great that I found a place to at least just talk about it.
Me New: You are a smart woman, jayneedoe. You have connected so many of the "dots" in understanding what happened to you and how it impacted you. I want to tell you something about me. Someone, after hearing well, the essential story of my life, described me as "unsinkable". Do you know what? You are unsinkable too. You have survived for 51 years of God knows what, and here you are. Strength comes from within us and sometimes we draw our strength from others. Even on boards like this. The written word and the ability to make contact are very powerful! I hope that the comments you've read on this thread have given you some strength.
You: So don't worry about me, okay?
Me New: I look forward to reading your post on February 18th! ;-)
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_jayneedoe
- _Emeritus
- Posts: 92
- Joined: Sat Oct 28, 2006 6:29 am
Hi Jersey Girl,
Again, thanks so much for caring about me enough to read what I write and to reply. I’m a little nervous about putting it all out there, but then, like I said, I really don’t have anywhere to go with this.
I’d like to focus on two things you wrote about.
The first is ACA. I am very well-acquainted with the dynamics of adult children of alcohol. I attended meetings almost twenty years ago where it saved me during a period of extreme crisis (I’ve lost count of my “extreme crises”). I even used the dynamics of the alcoholic family for my final in my speech class, which was very easy because my family fit it perfectly.
Yes, I am the caretaker, and yes, my sister is still expecting that of me. As does my mother. As do I sometimes.
In fact, I am the only one in the family who truly understands what is going on when these roles rear their “ugly faces.” The rest of the kids are in a lot of denial about how much their childhood affected their lives. They all suffer because of it, but pretend they don’t.
Anyway, one of the problems I have at this point in my life is that all of this understanding meant nothing when my life starting falling to pieces almost ten years ago to the day. What followed was years and years of illness, betrayal and cruelty. The result was the death of “me.” Again, it sounds melodramatic, but that is exactly what happened. You’ll just have to trust me on this.
As far as my sister is concerned, yes I absolutely understand she is talking from a place of complete pain and trauma. And yes, we have talked about this numerous times in far more loving circumstances. I have apologized to her for her having to spend a night in the boat, not because it was my fault, but because it happened and I hate that it happened to her.
I ache for that terrified little nine year old baby. I’ve ached for her, and with her, many times. I’ve cried with her and rocked her. I've held her in my arms, softly telling her how sorry I am, and that I would go and find her now.
And she repays me by sticking her finger in my face and telling me I taught her abandonment.
I was a child and it was not my fault. But no one else seems to care, and that f***** hurts.
I promise, on February 18, I will write a post, and I will be very glad to do it.
Jaynee
Again, thanks so much for caring about me enough to read what I write and to reply. I’m a little nervous about putting it all out there, but then, like I said, I really don’t have anywhere to go with this.
I’d like to focus on two things you wrote about.
The first is ACA. I am very well-acquainted with the dynamics of adult children of alcohol. I attended meetings almost twenty years ago where it saved me during a period of extreme crisis (I’ve lost count of my “extreme crises”). I even used the dynamics of the alcoholic family for my final in my speech class, which was very easy because my family fit it perfectly.
Yes, I am the caretaker, and yes, my sister is still expecting that of me. As does my mother. As do I sometimes.
In fact, I am the only one in the family who truly understands what is going on when these roles rear their “ugly faces.” The rest of the kids are in a lot of denial about how much their childhood affected their lives. They all suffer because of it, but pretend they don’t.
Anyway, one of the problems I have at this point in my life is that all of this understanding meant nothing when my life starting falling to pieces almost ten years ago to the day. What followed was years and years of illness, betrayal and cruelty. The result was the death of “me.” Again, it sounds melodramatic, but that is exactly what happened. You’ll just have to trust me on this.
As far as my sister is concerned, yes I absolutely understand she is talking from a place of complete pain and trauma. And yes, we have talked about this numerous times in far more loving circumstances. I have apologized to her for her having to spend a night in the boat, not because it was my fault, but because it happened and I hate that it happened to her.
I ache for that terrified little nine year old baby. I’ve ached for her, and with her, many times. I’ve cried with her and rocked her. I've held her in my arms, softly telling her how sorry I am, and that I would go and find her now.
And she repays me by sticking her finger in my face and telling me I taught her abandonment.
I was a child and it was not my fault. But no one else seems to care, and that f***** hurts.
I promise, on February 18, I will write a post, and I will be very glad to do it.
Jaynee
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_truth dancer
- _Emeritus
- Posts: 4792
- Joined: Tue Oct 24, 2006 12:40 pm
Hi Jaynee...
I'm really grateful you feel comfortable enough to share some of your pain with us. Somehow just the sharing can lessen the pain. I'm glad you can sense the care, concern, and love we have for you! (I've been a fan of yours since I first "saw" you online)!
Jersey Girl is doing a great job going through the specifics of your situation, I love her idea of journaling! :-) You have a lot of pain that needs getting out! And, she is right on with her thoughts to do whatever it takes to manage right now! :-) I think each and everything you can do to move toward health is great... the smallest baby step can make an important change!
First... MY GOSH YOU ARE A SURVIVOR! You are strong! Please understand this. You have gone through more sorrow than should be allowed for any human being. AND YOU SURVIVED! Yes, you feel the scars but you are alive, you can still feel love, appreciation, care, concern, hope, compassion. This alone tells me of your amazing strength and your inner resolve. You may have felt like giving up but something inside has KEPT you here. I hope you can focus on this because it is a very powerful and says a LOT.
Secondly... you are doing so many things right. You have a good therapist, you are getting the medical help you need, you are there for your mother, you are doing what you can, and you are aware of what you need. THIS IS AMAZING Jaynee... I see people who haven't had anywhere near the struggles you have had who are virtually unable to even function.
Third point... The fact that you can understand and feel compassion for your family and abusers is remarkable. There are no words to describe my admiration for this. You do not deny what has happened to you AND you have found a place in your heart to understand. I can't get over how amazing you are!
Finally.... I feel like you have turned a corner. In other words, I get the sense that for many, many years you have slowly decended into the depths of hell and hit bottom. You seem to have found a way to release that demand to die and are willing to find a way to exist in this world. WOW! Just the sense of NOT deciding to die is HUGE! Healing doesn't typically come overnight (darn!) but slowly and surely you can find ways to make life meaningful.. you will find moments of happiness and peace.
We are here for you girlfriend... we want you to be healthy and well!
Lots of love and peace to you,
~dancer~
Ohhh also, I have a blog you may enjoy... it is http://goodnessgraciousness.blogspot.com Each day I write a few posts with the intent to bring healing to each individual and the world. I would love for you to share your comments if it is something that would be enjoyable for you. You have a lot of wisdom and insight to share with the world. Blessings to you!
I'm really grateful you feel comfortable enough to share some of your pain with us. Somehow just the sharing can lessen the pain. I'm glad you can sense the care, concern, and love we have for you! (I've been a fan of yours since I first "saw" you online)!
Jersey Girl is doing a great job going through the specifics of your situation, I love her idea of journaling! :-) You have a lot of pain that needs getting out! And, she is right on with her thoughts to do whatever it takes to manage right now! :-) I think each and everything you can do to move toward health is great... the smallest baby step can make an important change!
First... MY GOSH YOU ARE A SURVIVOR! You are strong! Please understand this. You have gone through more sorrow than should be allowed for any human being. AND YOU SURVIVED! Yes, you feel the scars but you are alive, you can still feel love, appreciation, care, concern, hope, compassion. This alone tells me of your amazing strength and your inner resolve. You may have felt like giving up but something inside has KEPT you here. I hope you can focus on this because it is a very powerful and says a LOT.
Secondly... you are doing so many things right. You have a good therapist, you are getting the medical help you need, you are there for your mother, you are doing what you can, and you are aware of what you need. THIS IS AMAZING Jaynee... I see people who haven't had anywhere near the struggles you have had who are virtually unable to even function.
Third point... The fact that you can understand and feel compassion for your family and abusers is remarkable. There are no words to describe my admiration for this. You do not deny what has happened to you AND you have found a place in your heart to understand. I can't get over how amazing you are!
Finally.... I feel like you have turned a corner. In other words, I get the sense that for many, many years you have slowly decended into the depths of hell and hit bottom. You seem to have found a way to release that demand to die and are willing to find a way to exist in this world. WOW! Just the sense of NOT deciding to die is HUGE! Healing doesn't typically come overnight (darn!) but slowly and surely you can find ways to make life meaningful.. you will find moments of happiness and peace.
We are here for you girlfriend... we want you to be healthy and well!
Lots of love and peace to you,
~dancer~
Ohhh also, I have a blog you may enjoy... it is http://goodnessgraciousness.blogspot.com Each day I write a few posts with the intent to bring healing to each individual and the world. I would love for you to share your comments if it is something that would be enjoyable for you. You have a lot of wisdom and insight to share with the world. Blessings to you!
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_Yoda
jayneedoe wrote:liz3564 wrote:One thing that your sister said in her blog that really does stand out, and I agree with is this:
"I do believe that I am responsible for my response to my life. "
Hi Liz,
I quoted this because I wanted to clear up a misunderstanding I think I created.
I don't disagre with my sister here. And I want you to know she does, for the most part, live her life this way.
It just seemed, to me, that it was hypocritical because she wrote this mere days after she stuck her finger in my face and told me I was responsible for her abandonment issues. She literally did and said that.
In other words, how she chooses to respond to her abandonment issues is to blame me because I wasn't there when she had to spend the night alone in a boat. I wasn't there because my parents kicked me out of the house.
I can't tell you how hurtful this was to me. I know, I know. I can't be hurt unless I choose to be hurt.
I'm sorry--I don't buy that. It just f****** hurts. I'll deal with it and go on. But it really hurts.
Jaynee
And...don't misunderstand...I was in no way insinuating that you didn't have a right to feel emotional pain because of how your sister acted. I was simply taking the statement your sister made, and acknowledging, that, whether it was stated sincerely or not...it is, actually a good springboard for a more emotionally healthy life.
You mentioned that your therapist is a psychiatric nurse at the pain clinic. You may also want to look into seeing an additional therapist...someone who is specifically trained in counseling. My best friend, who has suffered with Reynods Disease(a rare and painful form of chronic arthritis) her entire life, has gone through periods of depression, etc., and has benefited greatly from seeing two therapists. She sees a psychologist, who talks with her on a bi-weekly basis (it used to be once a week, but she is improving), and then she also consults with a psychiatrist once a month. Both therapists communicate with each other, so they are both aware of her medical history, etc. Just food for thought. :)
It sounds like you are headed in the right direction. Just take one step at a time.