Liz, you say: I wish that there was not such a stigma that still exists when it comes to treating mental illnesses. It is an illness, just like an illness that would randomly strike any other part of the body. There are treatments, however, and you do have the ability to take the reigns of your life again, and be happy and healthy.
Jersey Girl: jayneedoe's story here could prove a benefit to another poster or lurker on this board and be a source of encouragement to them. As much as we'd like to think the world revolves around us and our problems, none of us operates in a vacuum. I believe that as we go through life it is as if we are on a forward moving path. People come into our path and we touch eachother in some way, that we leave our imprint on eachother. I think that anyone reading jayneedoe's story, at the very least, has got to be made more aware of mental illnesses and the part that trauma so often plays. What an enormous source of hope and courage jayneedoe can be to others and testament to the power of the human spirit. It just AMAZES me!
I need help!
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_Jersey Girl
- _Emeritus
- Posts: 34407
- Joined: Wed Oct 25, 2006 1:16 am
jayneedoe,
Well suffice it to say you've been on my mind all day long. I don't know exactly how to say this so I'll just blather my way through it, okay?
Is it possible for you to look at this specific time and place in your life as an opportunity to re-invent yourself? I don't know much about you but I am more than certain that you've been lugging this baggage around with you what must seem like forever. I was thinking that if you define yourself as "abuse victim" or "disabled" and that sort of thing...now might be a hot damn good time to think about redefining yourself.
Seize the moment!
What do you love, jayneedoe? What is your passion? If you don't feel you have the spirit for passion right now, what could be your passion? Is it possible for you to leave your home? What could you do given the limitions of your disabilities?
Let me throw out random ideas to you...
Could you go to the YMCA and take water exercise classes?
Could you plant the seeds for an indoor garden and enjoy watching your plants take root as your new ideas take root? ;-)
Are your hands dextrous enough for you to use scissors and writing tools? Can you call the local kindergarten and offer to cut and trace for the teacher? How about making flannel board story sets or other learning activities for the local preschool? (Don't ask me how I know these are much needed services! :-)
Can you make a commitment to yourself to choose one self nurturing thing to do each day no matter how you're feeling inside? (Bubble bath, read a book, do your nails, watch Judge Judy (Don't even get me started on her! lol!)
Could you take an online class from your local college? You can do everything online...register, pay fees, order a book, and some of the online classes have discussion boards just like this where you interact with other students. Only thing is you can't rant, but hey!
Can you get outside and take a walk everyday? In my neighborhood there is one woman who has asthma and she jogs everyday in ALL weather. I'm not kidding! It's snowing and there she is out jogging! She's gotta be 60 if she's a day! Sheesh!
Do you have a camera? Could you take a photography class to improve your skills and work on a portfolio of your photos? Could photography become a creative outlet with which to express your inner self?
Do you have a magazing subscription so that you have reading material coming directly to your house every month?
You don't have to answer any of the questions above, I'm just brainstorming....for what it's worth.
Jersey Girl
Well suffice it to say you've been on my mind all day long. I don't know exactly how to say this so I'll just blather my way through it, okay?
Is it possible for you to look at this specific time and place in your life as an opportunity to re-invent yourself? I don't know much about you but I am more than certain that you've been lugging this baggage around with you what must seem like forever. I was thinking that if you define yourself as "abuse victim" or "disabled" and that sort of thing...now might be a hot damn good time to think about redefining yourself.
Seize the moment!
What do you love, jayneedoe? What is your passion? If you don't feel you have the spirit for passion right now, what could be your passion? Is it possible for you to leave your home? What could you do given the limitions of your disabilities?
Let me throw out random ideas to you...
Could you go to the YMCA and take water exercise classes?
Could you plant the seeds for an indoor garden and enjoy watching your plants take root as your new ideas take root? ;-)
Are your hands dextrous enough for you to use scissors and writing tools? Can you call the local kindergarten and offer to cut and trace for the teacher? How about making flannel board story sets or other learning activities for the local preschool? (Don't ask me how I know these are much needed services! :-)
Can you make a commitment to yourself to choose one self nurturing thing to do each day no matter how you're feeling inside? (Bubble bath, read a book, do your nails, watch Judge Judy (Don't even get me started on her! lol!)
Could you take an online class from your local college? You can do everything online...register, pay fees, order a book, and some of the online classes have discussion boards just like this where you interact with other students. Only thing is you can't rant, but hey!
Can you get outside and take a walk everyday? In my neighborhood there is one woman who has asthma and she jogs everyday in ALL weather. I'm not kidding! It's snowing and there she is out jogging! She's gotta be 60 if she's a day! Sheesh!
Do you have a camera? Could you take a photography class to improve your skills and work on a portfolio of your photos? Could photography become a creative outlet with which to express your inner self?
Do you have a magazing subscription so that you have reading material coming directly to your house every month?
You don't have to answer any of the questions above, I'm just brainstorming....for what it's worth.
Jersey Girl
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_truth dancer
- _Emeritus
- Posts: 4792
- Joined: Tue Oct 24, 2006 12:40 pm
Hi Jersey Girl...
I like your list.... :-)
When I think of health, emotional and physical, I think it involves basically nourishing and nurturing, and releasing and purifying. In other words, we need to get rid of the impurities and negativity while bringing in that which is healing and healthy.
I think your list is a beautiful example of taking a few little steps toward bringing in that which is healing... any little changes we can make that move us closer toward health are great. Sometimes just a simple change can make a world of difference!
Jaynee...
I found a little online visualization I like... it takes 3 1/2 minutes to view the online version (one must purchase the complete seven minute version). It is so beautiful and simple. You may enjoy it....
http://www.LightLeanHealthyBeing.com
Thinking about you...
~dancer~
I like your list.... :-)
When I think of health, emotional and physical, I think it involves basically nourishing and nurturing, and releasing and purifying. In other words, we need to get rid of the impurities and negativity while bringing in that which is healing and healthy.
I think your list is a beautiful example of taking a few little steps toward bringing in that which is healing... any little changes we can make that move us closer toward health are great. Sometimes just a simple change can make a world of difference!
Jaynee...
I found a little online visualization I like... it takes 3 1/2 minutes to view the online version (one must purchase the complete seven minute version). It is so beautiful and simple. You may enjoy it....
http://www.LightLeanHealthyBeing.com
Thinking about you...
~dancer~
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_Draig Goch
- _Emeritus
- Posts: 27
- Joined: Sun Dec 24, 2006 12:08 am
Jaynee,
I’m not much for offering advice – I can barely keep my own existence tracking straight…
What I can offer has been, somewhat, helpful to me personally.
“Any day above ground is a good day”. Yeah, I know… kind of cheesy… well... so what, right?
I’m sure there are plenty of extenuating circumstances that could render that statement false - or useless. But for me, it is quite sincere. Even when dad’s old deer rifle looks like the miracle cure for all my problems, I’m not so sure I would be doing myself any favors.
I don’t believe in an afterlife or the probability of facing a vengeful god, what I do fear is missing that one event that could change everything for the better. What if I had waited one more day? One more minute or one more second? Granted, I wouldn’t be in a position to evaluate the consequences of my actions – but “what if”?
Anyway. What I’m fumbling with is that you are absolutely right. You don’t want to die. I don’t want to die and I mourn those who have chosen to end their one ride in this world.
I don’t subscribe to the notion that adversity is part of some gods plan to make us stronger – but there is something to be said for those who have triumphed over personal impasses. It does appear to make one a bit tougher.
Life is pretty miraculous. Not in a theological respect, but in a more profound sense. You are you, I am me – everyone is themselves. Even though we are all of the same species, that is where the similarities end. Every instance, every experience, thought, emotion or action – determines who and what we are.
It was 6 degrees outside this morning. That first breath made my lungs hurt but it felt oddly pleasant because I knew that I was alive and breathing. A lot of people never make it to this age (37). A lot of people will never see or hear or enjoy driving a new truck to work. A lot of people will be born in a country where there is never enough to eat, or the constant fear for a child’s life is a daily anxiety. I don’t believe that things happen for a reason – they just “are”.
Ok, so I’m not doing so well here. I suppose this is therapeutic for me.
I need medication as well. Stick with ‘em.
I guess there is no adequate explanation as to what makes folks do the things they do. We all feel justified in our actions. It matters little who thinks what about us. I do think that living a “good” life is important. I’d say that most individuals are genuinely noble – just struggling to endure. All that we can control is ourselves.
Try to enjoy the wonders of living on this planet during an exceptional era. The securities that this country offers is remarkable as well. I don’t have to be fearful of being dragged out of my car by some political faction and executed in the street.
Anyway (again), I’m no good at giving advice.
You have friends here and others that are concerned about you. We’ve got one chance at life and there are no do-overs. Let the rotten things that people do to you, roll off your back if you can. Keep an eye out for those unexpected windfalls that WILL come your way. And if embracing religion – in whatever form – enhances your life, embrace it.
You never know who you influence, and I’d wager that there are folks near you that depend on you being there. Even if you do not know or notice it, we all have silent fans that quietly admire us for who we are. I suspect that you have more admirers than you are aware of.
That’s my pointless blather.
Stay strong.
I’m not much for offering advice – I can barely keep my own existence tracking straight…
What I can offer has been, somewhat, helpful to me personally.
“Any day above ground is a good day”. Yeah, I know… kind of cheesy… well... so what, right?
I’m sure there are plenty of extenuating circumstances that could render that statement false - or useless. But for me, it is quite sincere. Even when dad’s old deer rifle looks like the miracle cure for all my problems, I’m not so sure I would be doing myself any favors.
I don’t believe in an afterlife or the probability of facing a vengeful god, what I do fear is missing that one event that could change everything for the better. What if I had waited one more day? One more minute or one more second? Granted, I wouldn’t be in a position to evaluate the consequences of my actions – but “what if”?
Anyway. What I’m fumbling with is that you are absolutely right. You don’t want to die. I don’t want to die and I mourn those who have chosen to end their one ride in this world.
I don’t subscribe to the notion that adversity is part of some gods plan to make us stronger – but there is something to be said for those who have triumphed over personal impasses. It does appear to make one a bit tougher.
Life is pretty miraculous. Not in a theological respect, but in a more profound sense. You are you, I am me – everyone is themselves. Even though we are all of the same species, that is where the similarities end. Every instance, every experience, thought, emotion or action – determines who and what we are.
It was 6 degrees outside this morning. That first breath made my lungs hurt but it felt oddly pleasant because I knew that I was alive and breathing. A lot of people never make it to this age (37). A lot of people will never see or hear or enjoy driving a new truck to work. A lot of people will be born in a country where there is never enough to eat, or the constant fear for a child’s life is a daily anxiety. I don’t believe that things happen for a reason – they just “are”.
Ok, so I’m not doing so well here. I suppose this is therapeutic for me.
I need medication as well. Stick with ‘em.
I guess there is no adequate explanation as to what makes folks do the things they do. We all feel justified in our actions. It matters little who thinks what about us. I do think that living a “good” life is important. I’d say that most individuals are genuinely noble – just struggling to endure. All that we can control is ourselves.
Try to enjoy the wonders of living on this planet during an exceptional era. The securities that this country offers is remarkable as well. I don’t have to be fearful of being dragged out of my car by some political faction and executed in the street.
Anyway (again), I’m no good at giving advice.
You have friends here and others that are concerned about you. We’ve got one chance at life and there are no do-overs. Let the rotten things that people do to you, roll off your back if you can. Keep an eye out for those unexpected windfalls that WILL come your way. And if embracing religion – in whatever form – enhances your life, embrace it.
You never know who you influence, and I’d wager that there are folks near you that depend on you being there. Even if you do not know or notice it, we all have silent fans that quietly admire us for who we are. I suspect that you have more admirers than you are aware of.
That’s my pointless blather.
Stay strong.
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_Runtu
- _Emeritus
- Posts: 16721
- Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2006 5:06 am
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_jayneedoe
- _Emeritus
- Posts: 92
- Joined: Sat Oct 28, 2006 6:29 am
Hello everyone!
I'm very sorry I didn't get right back to you all. One of my physical limitations is I get easily overwhelmed, even just by writing a lot, and I needed a couple of days to recover. That's one of the reasons journaling is difficult for me.
I really appreciate everyone's thoughtfulness, as well as your advice. It really helps to hear what keeps each of you going, because I need some sort of framework to imprint on myself. Does that make sense? In other words, the framework that worked for almost forty years ultimately failed me, so I need to find a new one. The only way I know to do that is to reach out and hear what works for other people, and adapt what I can.
Liz, I think I owe you an apology because I sounded like I took your remarks too personal. I didn't mean to. The sister issue is hurtful, that's all. Truth dancer, relaxation is almost impossible for me, but I realize I need to practice, practice practice! It's very insightful of you to know that. Jersey Girl, your compassion, evidenced by your coming back and keeping up with me is noticed and deeply appreciated.
Draig Goch, I loved your post and yearn for the day when I can take a deep breath of frozen air and feel glad to be alive. I'm working toward it.
And of course, Moksha, you did make me laugh. You always do. :)
If I've left anyone out, please don't be insulted. I sincerely appreciate all who have "listened" to me.
Jaynee
I'm very sorry I didn't get right back to you all. One of my physical limitations is I get easily overwhelmed, even just by writing a lot, and I needed a couple of days to recover. That's one of the reasons journaling is difficult for me.
I really appreciate everyone's thoughtfulness, as well as your advice. It really helps to hear what keeps each of you going, because I need some sort of framework to imprint on myself. Does that make sense? In other words, the framework that worked for almost forty years ultimately failed me, so I need to find a new one. The only way I know to do that is to reach out and hear what works for other people, and adapt what I can.
Liz, I think I owe you an apology because I sounded like I took your remarks too personal. I didn't mean to. The sister issue is hurtful, that's all. Truth dancer, relaxation is almost impossible for me, but I realize I need to practice, practice practice! It's very insightful of you to know that. Jersey Girl, your compassion, evidenced by your coming back and keeping up with me is noticed and deeply appreciated.
Draig Goch, I loved your post and yearn for the day when I can take a deep breath of frozen air and feel glad to be alive. I'm working toward it.
And of course, Moksha, you did make me laugh. You always do. :)
If I've left anyone out, please don't be insulted. I sincerely appreciate all who have "listened" to me.
Jaynee
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_truth dancer
- _Emeritus
- Posts: 4792
- Joined: Tue Oct 24, 2006 12:40 pm
Hi Jaynee...
I'm so glad to hear from you... was getting a bit worried! :-)
Keep us posted K?
One more little thought... we are so often conditioned to feel we need to be something, do something, or whatever... I often wonder if it isn't best, rather than to work, to let go. In other words, to let go of expectations or feeling a need to be what others what us to be, or do what others think we should do... to possibly let go of this and embrace what it is that brings us healing and peace. It is not easy because it means we need to listen to ourselves and get in touch with our own heart and spirit.
Just pondering with you... :-)
~dancer~
I'm so glad to hear from you... was getting a bit worried! :-)
Keep us posted K?
One more little thought... we are so often conditioned to feel we need to be something, do something, or whatever... I often wonder if it isn't best, rather than to work, to let go. In other words, to let go of expectations or feeling a need to be what others what us to be, or do what others think we should do... to possibly let go of this and embrace what it is that brings us healing and peace. It is not easy because it means we need to listen to ourselves and get in touch with our own heart and spirit.
Just pondering with you... :-)
~dancer~
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_jayneedoe
- _Emeritus
- Posts: 92
- Joined: Sat Oct 28, 2006 6:29 am
truth dancer wrote:Hi Jaynee...
I'm so glad to hear from you... was getting a bit worried! :-)
Keep us posted K?
Just pondering with you... :-)
~dancer~
Hi TD,
When I first got home after my suicide attempt I was extremely shell-shocked. I happened to have an appointment with my pain doc, and I was so acutely stressed he gave me a shot of ativan just so I could talk. He wanted me to go back to the hospial, but I told him no. I knew I needed to be home where I could rest, heal and be with my daugher, who is about the only person I know truly loves me. Rest, heal, be with my daughter; rest, heal, be my daughter; rest . . . you get the idea.
It's like I know what I need, but I'm not exactly sure how to get it. I knew the hospital was the last place I needed to be.
It's just when the emotional pain starts to overwhelm me, like the other night, that I'm no sure what to do.
by the way, I forgo to mention, I have had a few great moments since then. One was the other night when my daughter and I played Scrabble. She bought the game and we played until the wee hours of the morning. I was able to forget my troubles and just enjoy her. That's the best. :)
Love to all
Jaynee
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_Sam Harris
- _Emeritus
- Posts: 2261
- Joined: Tue Nov 28, 2006 2:35 am
jayneedoe wrote:liz3564 wrote:One thing that your sister said in her blog that really does stand out, and I agree with is this:
"I do believe that I am responsible for my response to my life. "
Hi Liz,
I quoted this because I wanted to clear up a misunderstanding I think I created.
I don't disagre with my sister here. And I want you to know she does, for the most part, live her life this way.
It just seemed, to me, that it was hypocritical because she wrote this mere days after she stuck her finger in my face and told me I was responsible for her abandonment issues. She literally did and said that.
In other words, how she chooses to respond to her abandonment issues is to blame me because I wasn't there when she had to spend the night alone in a boat. I wasn't there because my parents kicked me out of the house.
I can't tell you how hurtful this was to me. I know, I know. I can't be hurt unless I choose to be hurt.
I'm sorry--I don't buy that. It just f****** hurts. I'll deal with it and go on. But it really hurts.
Jaynee
Jaynee,
Goodness, your story is such a testament to human strength. To say "I'm sorry for what you went through" is not enough, though many do say this. I wish I could express more. I too am glad that you want to live, and I can empathize with feeling suicidal, though like you, I no longer feel that way.
Just like you feel that there are far more out there who will suffer more than you, I feel the same way, and your situation might well have done me in. Your strength and wisdom in the aftermath of what you have been through is amazing.
With regards to your sister, I understand how you feel about her blaming you for her abandonment issues. My mom blames me for her failure to go to college, hence stunting her life. I could continue to blame her for where I am now, but even though she ticks me off, she's not the reason I am where I am in life.
Our childhoods and early lives do shape us, but there comes a point in every person's life, and it comes at a different time for everyone, that we have to take responsibility for our futures. Despite your trials, you have done this. That is wonderful. It is also a sign of integrity that despite your trials with your mother, you can still see good in her. I am just beginning such a journey with my mother, and you are a wonderful example.
Like others here, I don't believe that God sends trials in the traditional sense of the word, you know, Job-like. I believe that we humans are victims of each other's free choice. Sadly, we get acted upon often in this life. I think that God weeps with us. Though at times I struggle with him not taking the choice to harm away from others.
You seem to be a very forgiving and understanding person. And I think you have every right to feel outraged at your sister's blaming you. You were a child like she was, and hopefully in time she will realize that.
How are you feeling lately?
Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances. -Ghandi