Break from board wars - Funniest Mormon parody on the web.

[_SatanWasSetUp]

Check out the Book of Zelph at http://www.bookofzelph.com. Who would have thought that Zelph the great white Lamanite warrior wrote a book. My favorite part is the promise made at the end which parodies Moroni's promise with the same type of circular reasoning.

2. Now many shall say this book be not a true book, for they shall think that it was made up, and that the things written in it did not really happen. And the enemies of this book shall say that because it has bad grammar, yea, it is not a true book, and because no evidence doth support it, yea, it is not a true book.

3. Nevertheless, believe not the words of the enemies of this book, for I challenge thee to take a gamble, and believe the words within this book, yea, even shall ye roll the dice on the truthfulness of this book. For many Lamanites do roll the dice, and gamble for money, but yea, no gamble shall be more important than betting on the truthfulness of this book.

4. And I promise thee that if ye ask if this book be not true, and roll a pair of dice with a sincere heart, and desire exceedingly for the book to be true, yea, the dice shall reveal the truthfulness of this book unto thee.

5. And if ye roll a seven, yea, it doth mean this book be a true book, and ye shall rejoice at the knowledge of the truthfulness of this book. For no learned man shall sway thy opinion with supposed evidences against this book, for once the dice have spoken the debate is over.

6. And if ye roll not a seven, yea, fear not that this book be not true, for this book is true, yea, even do I promise.

7. And something that is true cannot be proven untrue. Wherefore, if ye roll not a seven, it be not the fault of this book, and it doth prove not that this book be untrue, because this book is true, wherefore, it cannot be proven untrue.

8. Wherefore, if ye roll not a seven it was an error, and ye must roll the dice again, yea, even with a more sincere heart, and even desiring more to know the truth.

9. And if ye again roll not a seven, and if ye roll not a seven three times, yea, it be the fault of the dice. Wherefore, retrieve different dice, and roll again.

10. And ye must keep rolling dice until ye roll seven. And after the manner in which ye roll a seven, behold, ye shall rejoice at thy knowledge of the truthfulness of this book.

11. And I bear witness unto thee that ye shall know this book is true through the dice.

How can you argue with logic like this. It even prophesies that people won't believe the book is true!! I would sign up to be a Book of Zelph apologist. With the roll the dice promise it can't be disproven.

[_CaliforniaKid]

lol

[_Bond...James Bond]

There's a chapter actually called The Whores....OMG this is hilarious!

[_Runtu]

There's a chapter actually called The Whores....OMG this is hilarious!

Pretty funny stuff. Even the page design is spot on.

[_Bond...James Bond]

Alright now this is the funniest: The Book of the Peoples...I'm about teared up laughing so hard. Funny parts include:

11. Behold, David, I did havest a secret affair with a guard of Nephi. The guard did wantest me to do very bad things while fornicating him, not normal fornication, but very naughty fornication, even against the laws of Nephi. And I tellest him that I would do these things unto him only if he lets me to read the plates of Nephi. And because Nephi was exceedingly old, and had exceedingly bad eyesight, and his ears could hear not good, behold, the guard did retrieve the plates and lettest me read. Then afterwards, I did keep my word, and did the things that brought pleasure unto him. - Sarah

12. Behold Sarah, art thou doing anything tonight? - Jeffrey

13. Verily I say unto thee, Jeffrey, thou must to dream on. - Sarah

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39. Behold, Sarah, I desire thee to sucketh my seed sack. - Harry Schlong

40. Behold, Harry Schlong, I desire thee to stop writing your immature messages upon these plates, for thou art no better than the Nephites. - Isaac

41. Behold, Isaac, I desire thee to sucketh my seed sack also. - Harry Schlong

42. Behold, Harry Schlong, I desire to smite off thy head. - Isaac.
***********************

52. Behold, Jeffrey is an abomination amongst Lamanites. - David

53. David is a buffalo fornicator. - Jeffrey

54. JEFFREY FORNICATES TAPIRS. - David

55. I fornicate David's mother too. - Jeffrey

56. And Jeffrey also desires to fornicate my father. - David

57. I say unto all here, adios, for I hatest David, and shall never lookest upon these plates again. For he doth desire to say insults unto me. Goodye. - Jeffrey

58. Behold Jeffrey, thou shouldest to cry unto thy mother, for ye art like unto a woman. - David

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[_Mr. Coffee]

Looks like a Mormon oriented version of Landover Baptist Church.

[_CaliforniaKid]

I found this faith-promoting bit from ARMORS (Association for Researching Mormonism and Other Religious Stuff):

Casting lots is the major revelatory method of the Old Testament (and I'm sure lots of the rest of the ancient world, as well). Egyptians frequently cast lots, as well. Some scholars believe the Urim and Thummim were used in some sort of lot-casting. What's more, the oldest-known dice are 5,000 years old, discovered in Iran. Dice therefore are not an anachronism. How could Josh Anderson (translator of the BoZ) have known these facts about the ancient world?

Daniel Winder Welch

[_The Dude]

Yeah, the Book of Zelph is like unto a pearl of great price.

Has Royal Skousen examined the language style in this text? It could be from an earlier age than it's translator, JA, could have been familiar with. What about chiasmus? Anyone? I'll bet David Bokovoy could have a heyday picking subtle Hebraisms from the writings of Zelph.

Adieu

[_barrelomonkeys]

I found that site months ago and already left my testimony.

[_SatanWasSetUp]

I found this faith-promoting bit from ARMORS (Association for Researching Mormonism and Other Religious Stuff):

That acronym is awesome.