Inspiration from Scriptures

[_gramps]

Very nice, Satan!

[_Some Schmo]

Yeah, this stuff is great, guys. Keep em coming!

[_Runtu]

From the real Joseph Smith--History

And behold the angel of the Lord descended in glory and made himself manifest unto Brother Joseph.

And it came to pass that Joseph wetteth his pants and crieth, Holy crap! You mean there really are such things as angels? I'm in big trouble.

And it came to pass that the angel of the Lord spake, saying, Fear not, for I bring thee good tidings of great joy. Behold, thy pleadings have been heard of the Lord; yea, he granteth thy petition that thou mightest have wives and concubines as numberless as the sands of the sea.

And Joseph spake, saying, what meaneth these things?

And the angel saith, Behold, I shall smite thee with this flaming sword if thou wilt not take unto thee comely maidens to raise up seed unto the most high.

And Joseph saith, Huh?

And the angel spake saying, Dude, if you don't score some chicks, I'm going to go medieval on your ass with this sword.

And it came to pass that Joseph was obedient unto the commandment of the Lord, saying, If I must, I must. But don't tell Emma.

[_Some Schmo]

Love it Runtu.

From the Book of Schmo - Chapter 27, verses 5-17

5. And it came to pass gas.
6. And whoa, there was a great warming, and much tearing of the eye.
7. For unto the bovine a great talent was afforded, for the animal which doeth eat of the grass and chew of the cud doeth have great affartation.
8. And as the grass doeth grow green upon the earth and the chewers of cud doeth provide the firmament the nutrients of their offing, the circle of life doeth continue.
9. And it was in this way that the ice to the north afar and the south afar did melt, for the chewers of cud could not contain themselves.
10. And their gas did rise toward the heavens, so that it might be trapped 'neath the clouds, and harkened back toward the ice which doeth melt.
11. And the tribe of men who did attend the chewers of cud did slaughter many of them, and did feast upon their bones, and did favor their T-bones, for the meat which doeth contain much fat hath greater flavor.
12. And there was great flatulence in the land among the tribe, yay, from the asses of the tribesmen and the tribesmen’s asses.
13. And they cried out to the heavens, seek not the reason for our gluttony, for the cud chewers did melt the ice, and their sacrifice on the day of the great feast did atone them.
14. And an apparition did speak forth from the bush by the rocks under the great tree, and cried in summation:
15. Why blame ye the beasts of many stomachs? Cud is to the gas what seed is to the fertile egg. And doeth they forget thine own offings?
16. Thine own chariots of internal fire bring forth far more of the gasses for which thou hast slaughtered the chewers of cud. Shalt thou sacrifice thy chariots as well?
17. And it came to pass that the tribe cut down the talking bush and moved a large rock there.

[_barrelomonkeys]

Oh! Schmo. That was just nasty!


This however is just the cutest thing ever!


Why no scriptures about kitties?

I need to write my own!

[_barrelomonkeys]

From the Book of Monkey - Chapter 7, verses 6-10

6. Yea, none is greater than thou who makest changing of thy litter.

7. Insolence hast reaped scorn; and goes not forth with a purr.

8. Thy who scoops is most decidedly girded with gladness and much merriment.

9. Boast not of this great deed!

10. Glory may be sung to thee and pleasant faces shall know thee name upon thy lips.

[_Yoda]

From the long lost diary of Satan:

Dear Diary,

I really hate my brother Jesus. He can be such an asshole sometimes. We were joking around about how we would run things if we were in charge. I told him, in confidence I thought, that if I ruled the universe I would want everyone to obey me and be good obedient servants. Well guess what? That little brown nose ran off and told dad and said I was planning to take over the family business. Now dad is threatening to kick me out of the house. For what? Not bowing down and licking his boots? He thinks I don't obey him and wants me to be a butt kissing little homo like Jesus. To make matters worse, Becky called and told me she wants to break up with me, but we can still be friends. This is like totally the worst day of my life.


Dear Diary,

Today Jesus's friends cornered me at school and told me they were gonna kick my ass. Luckily Mr. Johnson, the homeroom teacher, broke it up. I talked to Johnny and Frank, and they got my back. I have a gut feeling there's gonna be a showdown soon.


Dear Diary,

Danny told me that he heard from his girlfriend Sarah that Becky bragged about french kissing Jesus behind the bleachers during PE. Jesus always skips PE because he thinks it's totally gay. I confronted Jesus, and he denied it but I could tell he was lying. That little prick is gonna get it bad.


Dear Diary,

The rumble is on! Tomorrow, after school, my gang is gonna meet up with Jesus's gang at the vacant lot behind Vito's liquor and adult video store. I sometimes ponder what my life would be like if my father was more involved. He's always so busy running the universe that he neglects his children. Oh how I sometimes long for the good old days when me and Jesus would play hide and seek in the backyard. How did we get to this point?

OMG! I LOVE this!

You should put this on a blog. It's wonderful!

You know, as a life-long member of the Church, I always thought Satan was set up, too. I was sure I was going to hell for thinking that. I probably am! LOL

;)

[_Doctor Steuss]

The Book of The Steussites.


Flaspar 1:23-24

And it came to pass... gas.
And there was wailing and gnashing of teeth.



Geodon 3:28

I smell burnt toast.

[_Some Schmo]

The Book of The Steussites.

Flaspar 1:23-24

And it came to pass... gas.
And there was wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Who the heck is Flaspar? And why is he plagiarizing from the Book of Schmo?

[_Some Schmo]

From the Book of Monkey - Chapter 7, verses 6-10

6. Yea, none is greater than thou who makest changing of thy litter.

7. Insolence hast reaped scorn; and goes not forth with a purr.

8. Thy who scoops is most decidedly girded with gladness and much merriment.

9. Boast not of this great deed!

10. Glory may be sung to thee and pleasant faces shall know thee name upon thy lips.

From the Book of Schmo - Chapter 8, verses 9-19

9. That the planets of the heavens are without number, like the sands of a copious box of litter, and the nuggets of surprise therein.
10. Thou hast asked if thy place is grand in the scheme of things, and I ask thee to look upon thy place like the nugget of persistence in the universe of sands and nuggets.
11. Like the feline that sniffs the sand, and deposits his offering, and mixes the sand to cover his offing in order to let it mix and blend with the other sands and nuggets, thy lord hath reserved a special place for thine own kin,
12. 'Tis the nugget with doeth stick to the fur of the feline, and is thusly carried by its host, till it is attended to at some future time.
13. For unknown to me was thine presence, until at some time, I detected a smell and sticky discomfort,
14. And did wipe mine self to discover the source of that thing which I carried with me.
15. Like the feline that doeth nip and pull at the persistent nugget and doeth wipe its hind quarters on the carpet and smear itself:
16. I, too, did wonder at my creation.
17. Let it be known the significance of your place in the great box of sand and nuggets;
18. Thine is a special place, in my special place, but it is a place which cannot last, for it doeth pain me to support it, and it shall be the end of times when I grow weary of it and cleanse mine self.
19. And thou shalt be cast aside, and mingle in the oblivion of all boxes of sand and nuggets, and sand and nuggets without number, forever and ever. Oh man.