Favorite Hymns & A New Version of an Old Mormon Standard

[_Yoda]

LOL!

I'll never be able to sing "Put Your Shoulder to the Wheel" with a straight face again!

[_Runtu]

Come, come, ye Saints, no contraception use;
But with joy procreate.
Though parenthood you're not ready to choose,
'Tis your duty to mate.
So don't delay, get into bed
For that's the reason you have wed.
Make tabernacles for those souls —
Pregnancy, that's the goal!

Why should you wait until you're on your feet?
God's not pleased if you delay.
You may end up living on the street,
But heaven's reward he will pay.
Gird up your loins, forget the pill;
Make no excuse, just say you will.
And soon your family will swell —
And you'll know all is well!

You'll know the reason God sent you to earth.
Without the priesthood, you're out of luck.
You'll know you're here simply to give birth.
To do that, you must f***.
Be grateful for your lot in life
You're destiny is to be a wife.
And hearken to your husband's command;
After all, he's the man.

And should you die in giving others life,
Happy day! All is well!
Your husband's free to get another wife;
And she'll share him with you.
But if you live to give birth again
Be happy, sister, and don't complain.
And when we see your belly swell —
All is well! All is well!

[_gramps]

Just when we had Will sympathizing with us and joing in with the MDB group, we've degenerated into .....


having a lot more fun than we could have ever had on the MADness board. ;)

Keep it up you guys.

But, Will, hey, stay around.

Admit it: we are a fun group with a damn good sense of humour!

[_Some Schmo]

Pretty funny, Runtu!


The Iron Rod

To Nephi, seer of olden time, A vision came from God,
A big red circle with a cross, inside, an iron rod.
Hold not the rod, the iron rod, 'though strong, and almost blue.
You oughtn’t go and touch it; with no girl you shouldn’t spew.

I know it’s hard to think about, the girls you’ve seen before
And resist the fun of stroking it, sometimes till it gets sore.
Hold not the rod, the iron rod; 'It will go down on you.
Just wait it out, just let it pass, and save life-giving goo.

And when temptation's pow'r is nigh, yourself, you cannot kid,
When you just can't help yourself, and go and milk your squid,
Hold to the rod, the iron rod; 'You might as well go through.
The iron rod makes you say, “God!” Now here, use this tissue.

[_KimberlyAnn]

Schmo and Runtu, you guys are a riot - if not a bit gross and disturbed, lol! Your song parodies are cracking me up!

And, like Gramps, I hope Will isn't frightened away by the latest additions to the thread. I was hoping to build enough rapport with him that he would play the organ for us this October at exmo conference. :)

Gramps or Will, if I PM or email one of you, would you send me the mp3 files to the hymns you're both enjoying?

Thanks,

Kimberly Ann

[_Some Schmo]

Thank you, thank you very much. Now I'd like to slow things down a little bit and get serious with a little number I like to call...


There is a Green Hill Far Away

There is a green hill far away, With mushrooms growing wild,
I picked a few, and ate them too, and felt at once a child.
I fell asleep and had a dream, I found a church of true
Down into the rabbit hole I fell, as if out of the blue
Logic had no place in there, the animals did talk
They told me what to say and feel and never think to balk
You shouldn’t run away from us, we’ll come and hunt you down,
But dreams do fade, I’ve woken now, to the real life I’ve found.

[_Some Schmo]

Let's liven things up again!


We Thank Thee, O God, For the Profit

We thank thee, O God, for the profit, That we make off shopping malls
We thank thee for sending stupid men Man, that must have taken balls.
We thank thee for every blessing Bestowed to your precious twelve
We feel it a pleasure to serve me, While they put their lives on the shelf.
When dark clouds of trouble hang o'er us And threaten our carefully spun tale
We can just have another vision, And then put that one out for sale.
We doubt not the power of our bulls*** We’ve proven it lots of times
We’re wicked at screwing over people, At this, we really shine.
We’ll sing of our greatness and mercy We’ll pretend to be real good
Admire ourselves at the pulpit, If we could dance, we’re sure we would.
If we can keep them all distracted, With the work from five to nine
And make sure the money’s always rolling in, We’re sure we’ll be just fine.

[_Blixa]

And, like Gramps, I hope Will isn't frightened away by the latest additions to the thread. I was hoping to build enough rapport with him that he would play the organ for us this October at exmo conference. :)

Kind of conjures up the image of James Mason as Captain Nemo playing the organ aboard the Nautilus...

[_Some Schmo]

I just can't seem to help myself...


Ere You Left the Church this Morning

Ere you left the church this morning, Did you think to pay?
In the name of God, good people, Did you buy this month’s forgiveness as you left today?
Oh how paying makes it better! Tithes will change the night to day.
So, before you change your sweater, Don't forget to pay.

When your bookie’s calling nightly, Did you think to pay?
Did you plead for life, my brother, Just a day! To have another, Before he breaks your leg?
Oh how paying rests the hunted! Tithes will change the night to day.
So, when your future’s looking stunted, Don't forget to pay.

And soon your life is at an end, Did you think to pay?
All the cash you had to borrow, To avoid most certain sorrow What else can you say?
Oh how paying soothes the passed on! Tithes will change the night to day.
So, when your body has a cast on, Don't forget to pay.

[_William Schryver]

Schmo and Runtu, you guys are a riot - if not a bit gross and disturbed, lol! Your song parodies are cracking me up!

And, like Gramps, I hope Will isn't frightened away by the latest additions to the thread. I was hoping to build enough rapport with him that he would play the organ for us this October at exmo conference. :)

Gramps or Will, if I PM or email one of you, would you send me the mp3 files to the hymns you're both enjoying?

Thanks,

Kimberly Ann

I give Schmo's literary achievements all the credit they deserve. He seems to have found his true calling in life. He's made such a good start, perhaps he should consider compiling the collection into his own hymn book.

And no, I feel no fear as I tread the winding paths here in Shadyland. I am like Quai Chang Caine walking through the rattlesnakes in the pit -- though I walk through the valley of the Shadyville bottoms, I will fear no evil. My baseball bat and my .45, they comfort me. My wife still prepares my lunch and serves me it in the presence of my enemies. She anointeth me with sloppy kisses -- my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and chocolate ice cream will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

By the way, I was at the exmo conference last October, at least for the final evening, but I didn't see an organ there. Was it hidden behind the bar? ;-)



Go ahead and PM me your e-mail address and I'll send you the same songs I sent to gramps.