Coping With Grief - Where are you?

[_barrelomonkeys]

Keene, Liz, Bond can someone move this to off-topic now? Sheesh. I didn't want a personal thread.

:)

[_cacheman]

Grief sucks!

But on the other hand, I realize in hindsite that dealing with grief has changed me in positive ways. I think one thing that experiencing grief has taught me is that the seeming uniqueness of my situation was really not that unique. It's helped me see that the 'human situation' is shared by all, and that most of the differences are simply in timing and frequency. That realization seems to usually be strengthened after I've dealt with the whole loneliness stage of grief.

In short, my experiences with grief have tended to bring me closer to others, and at times have helped me reconcile some relationships that I'd previously neglected.

I wish though, that I was better at being there for people who are in the process of grieving. I don't know why that's so hard for me.

cacheman

[_wenglund]

I know this topic has been done numerous times before. But I never had anything to say on the matter!

I've been coping with grief for the last few months and used a blog (thank you Shades) on this site to express all the different kaleidoscope of emotions that I've experienced. Just in the last two days have I been able to focus and come to terms with how painful the journey has been and see that things are 'okay'.

One of the most painful and infuriating experiences during my grieving process was being told to 'move on' or my pain being minimized by others.

I actually felt intense hatred at those that expected me to deny my grief and pain - or acted as though how I felt or exhibited the intense flurry of emotions was abnormal or bizarre in some sense. Intense hatred is something quite outside the norm for me!

I reeled from something that was a blip in my life and yet those on this site are suffering from a personal loss of faith, family, and often times their entire world view.

I wonder where those on this site, that are grieving, are in this process?

I also wonder why those that mock or deny the fury, depression, bargaining, etc... can't recognize this board and others as a tool for those that are experiencing a deep personal loss.

First of all, let me express my deepest sympathies for your loss. I haven't read your blog yet, but it is clear from your OP that whatever it was that has caused your grief, you have been clearly been deeply effected, and for that I am sorry.

With that said, and as I understand things, emotions are meant to serve a useful/functional purpose. Fear is a protective emotion that causes us to flee from real harm and to proceed with caution so as to avoid real harm. Anger is a force for action in righting wrongs, a counterbalance to mercy. Happiness and joy are rewards that encourage us to make wise choices, etc., etc.

When emotions serve their intended purpose, I see that as a good and healthy thing. However, when they don't serve their intended purpose, whether that be through suppression (where the emotion is mentally blocked and disallowed to serve its purpose) or be that through oppression (where the emotion is so overpowering in intensity and/or duration as to overshadow or obscure its purpose) or be that through misdirection (where the emotion serves some other purpose), that to me is not a good thing.

What do you view as the purpose of grieving?

To me, its purpose is transitional--i.e. to help us "move on" from potentially debilitating life experiences.

Can grieving get suppressed, or become oppressive and misdirected, and thus no longer be a good thing?

I think so. For example, when my father was a young child (around 4 or 5 years old) his oldest brother died from an accident, and his mother was so grief-stricken for many years that she became quite debilitated and neglectful as a mother--particularly in terms of tending to my father in his formative years. Fortunately, my dad's older sisters were there to compensate to some degree, but throughout his life my father unwittingly experiences the effects of his mother's neglect.

To my way of thinking, the grief that my grandmother felt was innitially intended to help her deal, in a healthy and loving way, with the devastating loss of her son, while also enabling her to continue to be a loving mother to her daughters and sons that were still alive--and that would have been a good thing. However, because she allowed her grief to become oppressive, it no longer was good.

What do you think?

Thanks, -Wade Englund-

[_Runtu]

First of all, let me express my deepest sympathies for your loss. I haven't read your blog yet, but it is clear from your OP that whatever it was that has caused your grief, you have been clearly been deeply effected, and for that I am sorry.

With that said, and as I understand things, emotions are meant to serve a useful/functional purpose. Fear is a protective emotion that causes us to flee from real harm and to proceed with caution so as to avoid real harm. Anger is a force for action in righting wrongs, a counterbalance to mercy. Happiness and joy are rewards that encourage us to make wise choices, etc., etc.

When emotions serve their intended purpose, I see that as a good and healthy thing. However, when they don't serve their intended purpose, whether that be through suppression (where the emotion is mentally blocked and disallowed to serve its purpose) or be that through oppression (where the emotion is so overpowering in intensity and/or duration as to overshadow or obscure its purpose) or be that through misdirection (where the emotion serves some other purpose), that to me is not a good thing.

What do you view as the purpose of grieving?

To me, its purpose is transitional--I.e. to help us "move on" from potentially debilitating life experiences.

Can grieving get suppressed, or become oppressive and misdirected, and thus no longer be a good thing?

I think so. For example, when my father was a young child (around 4 or 5 years old) his oldest brother died from an accident, and his mother was so grief-stricken for many years that she became quite debilitated and neglectful as a mother--particularly in terms of tending to my father in his formative years. Fortunately, my dad's older sisters were there to compensate to some degree, but throughout his life my father unwittingly experiences the effects of his mother's neglect.

To my way of thinking, the grief that my grandmother felt was innitially intended to help her deal, in a healthy and loving way, with the devastating loss of her son, while also enabling her to continue to be a loving mother to her daughters and sons that were still alive--and that would have been a good thing. However, because she allowed her grief to become oppressive, it no longer was good.

What do you think?

Thanks, -Wade Englund-

Just out of curiosity, Wade, have you changed your opinion about loss of faith? Does losing one's religion constitute a loss that can be grieved for?

[_barrelomonkeys]

Hi Wade. First thanks for replying. Secondly I would advise you not to read my blog if you are sensitive to raw emotions, foul language, sexual content, and a bit of an emotional wreck.

I would agree with what you stated. I think we can become trapped in one stage and not move past it. That certainly can be debilitating and hurt our lives more than the initial whatever that created our loss. I think you're someone that I often see attempting to help people navigate through the different stages in their grief on this board. For what it is worth I sometimes see people's reaction to you as anger because you may unintentionally be trying to help them move past a stage that they're not ready to let go of. Often times anger is seen here.

I'm with cacheman on this one. I often don't know how to help others with their pain and feel lost when I attempt to do so. I fear I'll make it worse or will somehow hurt them more when I try to express my tenderness and concern into actions or words. I certainly don't know how to help others with whatever and only hope that we all can recognize that the multitude of emotions seen on this site and others is a very normal experience that we all at one time or another deal with in our lives.

[_barrelomonkeys]

Grief sucks!

But on the other hand, I realize in hindsite that dealing with grief has changed me in positive ways. I think one thing that experiencing grief has taught me is that the seeming uniqueness of my situation was really not that unique. It's helped me see that the 'human situation' is shared by all, and that most of the differences are simply in timing and frequency. That realization seems to usually be strengthened after I've dealt with the whole loneliness stage of grief.

In short, my experiences with grief have tended to bring me closer to others, and at times have helped me reconcile some relationships that I'd previously neglected.

I wish though, that I was better at being there for people who are in the process of grieving. I don't know why that's so hard for me.

cacheman

I too consider dealing with grief a part of life where I gained valuable lessons from it. The loneliness aspect was the hardest part for me. I have often thought that this board (and other ex-mo boards) was a wonderful tool where people could congregate and understand that their grief was not in isolation.

There is a woman on this board that helped me immensely when I recognized (and she saw in me) that we shared a similiar experience. Knowing I wasn't alone was the most helpful part of the process for me. When she told me that the stages were 'normal' and my reactions were 'normal' I was able to fully embrace that it was indeed okay to move on because what I felt was something that others had survived. She survived and I knew I could as well.

[_guy sajer]

I'm not one of those who felt a deep loss on finding out Mormonism is a fraud. Rather, it was extremely liberating. Realizing that I did not have to feel inadequate for my inability to believe in superstitious crap was like a tremendous lifting of a heavy load.

Now back to the subject. I do not find comfort in trite cliches; nor do I feel comfortable spouting them. My parents' time on earth is coming to a close, and perhaps quickly. When it happens, my preference would be for people simply to be there, let me know they are there to help if I want or need it, and let me grieve in my own way and in silence. I don't want comforting words. I don't want promises of happy reunions (in which I don't believe). I don't want all the things that people say that sound so superficial and trite (although not meaning them to sound so). Express your condolences, and let me be, and let me know you're there. That's enough.

And, please, please, please do not see this as a missionary opportunity to preach to me about the Plan of Salvation.

[_wenglund]

Just out of curiosity, Wade, have you changed your opinion about loss of faith? Does losing one's religion constitute a loss that can be grieved for?

I don't know whether I have changed my mind or not (perhaps I have), but I do think one can grieve over the loss of faith. And, as long as the grief serves it useful purpose, and is manifest in healthy and functional ways, it is a good thing.

Where I may take pause for reflection is when the grieving may be supressed, oppressive, and/or misdirected, and where it manifests itself in ways that increase the losses (of various things), both to those who are grieving and those who may be tied in some way to the object of grief.

Do you see it differently?

Thanks, -Wade Englund-

[_Runtu]

I don't know whether I have changed my mind or not (perhaps I have), but I do think one can grieve over the loss of faith. And, as long as the grief serves it useful purpose, and is manifest in healthy and functional ways, it is a good thing.

Where I may take pause for reflection is when the grieving may be supressed, oppressive, and/or misdirected, and where it manifests itself in ways that increase the losses (of various things), both to those who are grieving and those who may be tied in some way to the object of grief.

Do you see it differently?

Thanks, -Wade Englund-

No, I don't see it differently. You had said a while back that losing my faith was not a real loss and so grief did not apply. I'm glad you have revised your opinion.

[_wenglund]

Hi Wade. First thanks for replying. Secondly I would advise you not to read my blog if you are sensitive to raw emotions, foul language, sexual content, and a bit of an emotional wreck.

I hope you know that I care about you and want the best for you whether I read your blog or not. ;-)

I would agree with what you stated. I think we can become trapped in one stage and not move past it. That certainly can be debilitating and hurt our lives more than the initial whatever that created our loss. I think you're someone that I often see attempting to help people navigate through the different stages in their grief on this board. For what it is worth I sometimes see people's reaction to you as anger because you may unintentionally be trying to help them move past a stage that they're not ready to let go of. Often times anger is seen here.

That is worth alot to me that you would bring that to mind, and it is a shortcoming that I am trying to improve on. I tend to think that because I don't like to feel grief, and I am highly motivated to replace the grief with peace and joy as soon as appropriate, that everyone else feels the same way as me. I am slowly learning, though, that is not the case. For some people, grief is a familiar, welcomed, and charished part of their life, and when I or anyone else attempts, even with the best of intents, to help them move past the grief stage, it can come across as me trying to rob them of a dear friend. If some people want their grief, how dare I try and deny them that? I would be angry, too, if someone tried to get me to end something I charished or before I was ready to end it?

To avoid this as much as possible going forward, what I will try and do, besides be mindful and respectful of this difference, is to speak in terms of what I have found advantageous for me, and to leave decision about "moving on" in the hands of those grieving. And, I may also suggest points for consideration that may not have come to mind, and may, on balance, be motivation in-and-of themselves to appropriately shorten of deminish the intensity of the grieving--like a cost/benefit analysis, such as noting the price to oneself and others in the way, or the duration, in which some one may have choosen to grieve, and whether the benefit derived from grieving in that way and to that extent is worth it, or whether some other form of grieving may be preferrable.

I don't know that this strategy is gauranted to prevent people getting angry or upset with me, but I hope it will at least minimize the unintended negative affect I may on them.

I'm with cacheman on this one. I often don't know how to help others with their pain and feel lost when I attempt to do so. I fear I'll make it worse or will somehow hurt them more when I try to express my tenderness and concern into actions or words. I certainly don't know how to help others with whatever and only hope that we all can recognize that the multitude of emotions seen on this site and others is a very normal experience that we all at one time or another deal with in our lives.

I try to keep this dilemma in mind when I am the grieving party, and I may choose to eliviate the dilemma, to some degree, by not only viewing whatever unsolicited help and advise that may be extended, as born of love and well intended. I choose to see the love rather than what may not have been so helpful in the help and advise. I may even go about asking for help and advise. To me, I would much rather people be drawn towards me in times of grief, and chance things becoming problematic, rather than have them be somewhat standoffish for want of knowing what to do. But, that may just be me.

When wishing to help those who are grieving, I have learned that, where possible, not saying anything, but communicate through body language (friendly wave, hugs, arm around the shoulder, understanding smiles and looks, helping hands to ease the burden of life's responisbilities, etc.), may be less vulnerable to unintended reactions.

Either way, its not an easy situation.

Thanks, -Wade Englund-