who needs to know?

[_harmony]

Something has just come to my attention. You all know I have a daughter who was abused as a young child and nearly raped as a young teenager. I readily acknowledge that I knew nothing of the abuse (had I known, the people involved would still bear the scars) and I handled the near rape badly. The list of what I should have done is long and detailed, whereas what I did do damaged someone I love a great deal. (I followed my bishop's advice, which was to do nothing. That is the one regret I have, and I have to live with it, but that's not what this thread is about).

This daughter is beautiful, sociable, innocent, and unmarried, even though she is 30 and has a host of friends. I had assumed until last week that she was single because that was her choice. Instead, I found out that she is single because when she would get close enough to an LDS guy to actually talk about such things, she would tell him of the abuse and the near rape... and he would make a quick exit, because she was damaged goods and no LDS man wants damaged goods to take to wife.

When I was young, I was also abused in much the same manner, although mine went on for years, far into my teenage years. I chose to never tell my husband about it. Perhaps I should have, and perhaps it would have made no difference to him, but still, it was a choice I made.

I'm sure you can imagine the anger I feel. She is not damaged goods. She is a virgin and innocent.

My question is... how much should she disclose? And when? I disclosed nothing to her father until she revealed the abuse to her father and I. And while the abuse I suffered still effects a few of my actions (I prefer to shower and dress in the dark with the lights off or only when I am completely alone in the house), I have gotten over a few of my responses (I no longer sleep wrapped up in the blankets like a burrito, although I still cannot sleep if I am being touched). No doubt the abuse she suffered will follow her also, but should the man who loves her enough to accept her no matter what know why she does some of the things she does?

My other question is... how deeply ingrained is this abhorrance of abuse victims in LDS men? Or men in general?

[_Tarski]

Something has just come to my attention. You all know I have a daughter who was abused as a young child and nearly raped as a young teenager. I readily acknowledge that I knew nothing of the abuse (had I known, the people involved would still bear the scars) and I handled the near rape badly. The list of what I should have done is long and detailed, whereas what I did do damaged someone I love a great deal. (I followed my bishop's advice, which was to do nothing. That is the one regret I have, and I have to live with it, but that's not what this thread is about).

This daughter is beautiful, sociable, innocent, and unmarried, even though she is 30 and has a host of friends. I had assumed until last week that she was single because that was her choice. Instead, I found out that she is single because when she would get close enough to an LDS guy to actually talk about such things, she would tell him of the abuse and the near rape... and he would make a quick exit, because she was damaged goods and no LDS man wants damaged goods to take to wife.

When I was young, I was also abused in much the same manner, although mine went on for years, far into my teenage years. I chose to never tell my husband about it. Perhaps I should have, and perhaps it would have made no difference to him, but still, it was a choice I made.

I'm sure you can imagine the anger I feel. She is not damaged goods. She is a virgin and innocent.

My question is... how much should she disclose? And when? I disclosed nothing to her father until she revealed the abuse to her father and I. And while the abuse I suffered still effects a few of my actions (I prefer to shower and dress in the dark with the lights off or only when I am completely alone in the house), I have gotten over a few of my responses (I no longer sleep wrapped up in the blankets like a burrito, although I still cannot sleep if I am being touched). No doubt the abuse she suffered will follow her also, but should the man who loves her enough to accept her no matter what know why she does some of the things she does?

My other question is... how deeply ingrained is this abhorrance of abuse victims in LDS men? Or men in general?

Can't she avoid Mormon men?

oh and yes it is deeply ingrained--these guys have little or no sexual experience and they have lots of insecurities and prejudices

[_Moniker]

I feel revulsion, anger, and sadness when I read that post...

I wish I had answers. I don't. All I can do is agree with you that your daughter is NOT damaged goods.

The LDS Church really, really, really pisses me off with the way they view women.

[_Jersey Girl]

I'd like to see truthdancer comment here. My answer is: no one. No one needs to know.

[_Moniker]

I'd like to see truthdancer comment here. My answer is: no one. No one needs to know.

I disagree. If she wants to tell someone then she should. Women DO NOT tell because they're shamed or embarrassed -- OR told they're damaged goods! What a bunch of bs that is. A woman is victimized then the society just reinforces that victims should be quiet about it -- THEN we wonder why women don't report that they're victims?????!!!

If she doesn't want to tell fine -- but apparently she DOES -- 'cause she has been. If a man can't deal with it then he has some issues... they're not hers.

[_Jersey Girl]

I've got a message in to truthdancer to reply here. I think her wisdom and insight would be helpful. I also want to mention (not intending to derail) that this OP is an example how internet anonymity is of benefit to people in such a situation. Sometimes we have personal issues to raise and would like the response from a good cross section of people of differing backgrounds. We often gain insight from such responses where those who know us on the ground might not address issues as fully as a community such as this would. I think that comparing and considering the responses of both groups of people (those who know us intimately in real life and those to whom we are largely anonymous) is helpful in weighing out the issues in a decision such as this.

My answer is still: No one.

[_Mercury]

I'd like to see truthdancer comment here. My answer is: no one. No one needs to know.

Nice reinforcement of abuse Jersey. I seriously doubt you are in the profession of psychology as you have mentioned before. Tell no one...yah right.

[_Jersey Girl]

I'd like to see truthdancer comment here. My answer is: no one. No one needs to know.

I disagree. If she wants to tell someone then she should. Women DO NOT tell because they're shamed or embarrassed -- OR told they're damaged goods! What a bunch of bs that is. A woman is victimized then the society just reinforces that victims should be quiet about it -- THEN we wonder why women don't report that they're victims?????!!!

If she doesn't want to tell fine -- but apparently she DOES -- 'cause she has been. If a man can't deal with it then he has some issues... they're not hers.

I agree with you on principle.

[_Moniker]

Jersey Girl, are you talking about in context of her dealing with LDS men or just in general?

I have seen sooo many times on this board from ex-LDS and LDS that they keep their past from their mates. That seems BIZARRE to me. Why should past sexual whatever be kept from someone you love and care for and they you? I KNOW! I KNOW THE ANSWER! 'Cause sex is nasty, disgusting, and filthy! When we do the deed (this shameful thing) we must keep it nestled away in some hidden place where we actually pretend we do NOT enjoy it (I have a sense that some women do this for so long that it finally becomes a reality), or that we are not NORMAL humans with the tendency to feel sexual.

We must deny, deny, deny that we have done the dirty deed -- or GOD forbid someone else did the dirty deed without our consent. That consensual sex is not to be spoken about seems ABSURD to me. When you add on to that sexual assault and the natural tendency (for many women) to feel shame then this REALLY becomes a problem in the culture. You're damaged for consensual sex in LDS culture. THEN add onto that the notion that women are RESPONSIBLE for the actions of men and you have a woman not only damaged but ALSO responsible for her own victimization.

Harmony, again, I'm very sorry your daughter is dealing with this. I'm also sorry that you deal/dealt with this. I hope that if she feels compelled to talk about it that she can find a man mature enough to handle it. She may have to look outside the Church.

[_Jersey Girl]

Jersey Girl, are you talking about in context of her dealing with LDS men or just in general?

I have seen sooo many times on this board from ex-LDS and LDS that they keep their past from their mates. That seems BIZARRE to me. Why should past sexual whatever be kept from someone you love and care for and they you? I KNOW! I KNOW THE ANSWER! 'Cause sex is nasty, disgusting, and filthy! When we do the deed (this shameful thing) we must keep it nestled away in some hidden place where we actually pretend we do NOT enjoy it (I have a sense that some women do this for so long that it finally becomes a reality), or that we are not NORMAL humans with the tendency to feel sexual.

We must deny, deny, deny that we have done the dirty deed -- or GOD forbid someone else did the dirty deed without our consent. That consensual sex is not to be spoken about seems ABSURD to me. When you add on to that sexual assault and the natural tendency (for many women) to feel shame then this REALLY becomes a problem in the culture. You're damaged for consensual sex in LDS culture. THEN add onto that the notion that women are RESPONSIBLE for the actions of men and you have a woman not only damaged but ALSO responsible for her own victimization.

Harmony, again, I'm very sorry your daughter is dealing with this. I'm also sorry that you deal/dealt with this. I hope that if she feels compelled to talk about it that she can find a man mature enough to handle it. She may have to look outside the Church.

I'll ask you one question at a time. What purpose is served when a woman shares her sexual history (in general) with a new partner?