How bad is this?

[_Jersey Girl]

Also, one question...do you know if the house is baby-proofed?

[_Moniker]

Well, I don't think it would hurt to give it a shot? You say she spends a lot of time on the internet? How much, precisely?

8-10 hours a day

What is she doing on the net? Entertainment or seeking companionship (friends)?

Does she have any interests that you could help her pursue outside the home?

[_Jersey Girl]

Moniker brings up a significant issue with regards to how she is using her time online. There is no question that SAHM's can feel isolated and some to the point of shrinking back almost entirely to rarely venturing outside the home. Online use is particularly inviting to an introvert. An introvert is writing this post! :-) An informal study over the years, tells me that the vast majority of posters on boards like this are introverts.

I think that you said that she's mostly reading online and not necessarily communicating with people. But you have to admit that you're assuming what goes on by what you walk into each evening. We only know what you've shared with us and I don't think anyone (inspite of the anonymity) expects you to divulge all there is to know on this board.

Something to understand about introversion is that introverts get their inner energy from solitude. We "live in our heads". Talking to people depletes our energy resources. I, for example, spend my work days in sustained interaction with children and adults. I lecture before groups and while I can do all of that, when I get home it's not unlike me to remain silent for hours while I process my day. While I don't do it, I could literally go days without speaking to a family member. I sometimes have to remind myself to greet my family when I walk in the door before I go off and away from them, because I'm already "in my head" and processing the day.

Just saying....

If you are somewhat of an extrovert (who gets their energy from people) married to an introvert, it's not uncommon for you to feel deprived of interaction while she might spend time trying to get away from you!

Well, you might already know all of this. I just wanted to add it to the discussion.

She might need the computer as a way of protecting her mental energies from the children. That doesn't sound good, I know, but it's very likely true. A balance would be helpful.

So, I'm wondering if her internet use isn't an addiction but rather a case of an introvert going off in her head, tuning out the rest of the world while doing it.

[_Moniker]

It may be that she desires stimulation or craves adult companionship that she finds it on the internet, too?

Being with kids all day when I was a SAHM sapped the life outta me. Yet, I was very involved with them when I was a SAHM. It's taxing.

[_Jersey Girl]

It may be that she desires stimulation or craves adult companionship that she finds it on the internet, too?

Being with kids all day when I was a SAHM sapped the life outta me. Yet, I was very involved with them when I was a SAHM. It's taxing.

I don't think that he said she was communicating online. But he can't really know since he's not there all day. I, personally, loved being a SAHM but there were days when I'd be on the phone with another SAHM just out of a need for an adult conversation...comraderie and all of that. Shared experiences....the kids are driving me insane today! ;-)

It is hard being with children all day long. You don't get to shower or use the restroom in peace! You don't get real coffee breaks! You're "on" 24/7 and that's no lie!

[_Moniker]

It may be that she desires stimulation or craves adult companionship that she finds it on the internet, too?

Being with kids all day when I was a SAHM sapped the life outta me. Yet, I was very involved with them when I was a SAHM. It's taxing.

I don't think that he said she was communicating online. But he can't really know since he's not there all day. I, personally, loved being a SAHM but there were days when I'd be on the phone with another SAHM just out of a need for an adult conversation...comraderie and all of that. Shared experiences....the kids are driving me insane today! ;-)

It is hard being with children all day long. You don't get to shower or use the restroom in peace! You don't get real coffee breaks! You're "on" 24/7 and that's no lie!

Yep! That's the truth. It actually is a very exhausting job.

[_Jersey Girl]

Moniker,

What do you think about the housekeeping here? What if he were to hire someone to come in just to get things together and organized? Twice a month? What about some place like Merry Maids?

That won't solve the daily clutter but it could be a good start to having things picked up at least part of the time?

Or what if he chose one room that he insists has to be decluttered so he can go there and feel at peace?

That doesn't solve the interaction with the children, but it might give him some peace of mind.

Watcha think?

There could be rooms that are off limits to the children. That would minimize the space that needs to be decluttered.

I say this knowing that toddlers are going to dump nonstop but maybe it could be reigned in a bit?

[_Moniker]

Moniker,

What do you think about the housekeeping here? What if he were to hire someone to come in just to get things together and organized? Twice a month? What about some place like Merry Maids?

That won't solve the daily clutter but it could be a good start to having things picked up at least part of the time?

Or what if he chose one room that he insists has to be decluttered so he can go there and feel at peace?

That doesn't solve the interaction with the children, but it might give him some peace of mind.

Watcha think?

There could be rooms that are off limits to the children. That would minimize the space that needs to be decluttered.

I say this knowing that toddlers are going to dump nonstop but maybe it could be reigned in a bit?

I think your advice sounds great. A maid would probably be helpful.

[_Gazelam]

Merc,

considered planting some sort of worm into wifeys computer?

[_Jersey Girl]

Let's look at your priority list again, Mercury.


1. Clean and orderly house.

This really bugs you. You come home from a long day at work, school or perhaps a business trip and you have to wade through chaos. I'm not being unkind. I'm trying to "channel" how it feels to you. If you haven't already, I really think you need to tell her that it drives you crazy and stresses you out. Lay it right on the table and ask her to come to some form of agreement. There needs to be some sort of plan put into place. Toddlers are a mess, that's for sure, but maybe you can find some sort of positive way to tell her that you need to walk into some relative peace when you get home. If it doesn't bother her that things are cluttered during the day, can she agree to have it picked up before you come home?

Could you hire an organizer to come in and get your stuff together for you? People aren't born knowing how to organize things. Having toddlers around is like bailing a boat with a hole in it while it's raining! You could pack some things up so it reduces what there is to scatter? What could you pull out of the main rooms this weekend? Or move to other rooms that are inaccessible to the children? Can you put the DVD's in a wall mounted storage? Books?


2. Kids are not "passively parented" when I am not around.

This one is hard! According to you, she doesn't see that anything is wrong. Parents don't often know what children need. Would she read websites about child development? This is the one thing that I would like to continue along with. I'll leave it at just that one question for now.


3. Wife gains interests outside the home, possibly involving employment.

Would she like to work? Does she have a field of employment that she likes? What is it?