How bad is this?

[_Jersey Girl]

Merc,

considered planting some sort of worm into wifeys computer?

You disgust me!

But in a good way!

[_Jersey Girl]

So, let's say you get someone in to do some initial organizing and decluttering. Who couldn't use that?

Is there a possiblity of hiring a mother's helper for the afternoon...a college student...senior high school student...whose job it would be to play with the children and help pick up the toys (and whatever else they've pulled apart!) while your wife starts dinner?

Is there a college near you with an early childhood program? You might find some ECE students very agreeable to filling a position like that and the plus would be that they're being schooled in child development.

Whoa! I'm way good!

;-)

[_Jersey Girl]

And Mom gets to take a nice bath...do her nails...all that jazz...or even have an hour of internet time without interruption...before she starts dinner.

OMG! I'm not good...I'm extraordinary!!!

I'm very proud of me.

;-)

[_Jersey Girl]

I'm out-doing myself. :-D

Okay, Mercury. So scroll back until you find the Memphis afffiliate for NAEYC contact person. You email that person and ask for a list of nearby colleges that have ECE programs. Early Childhood Education. You contact the department head for whichever college is closet to you.

And ask them if you can email a job announcement to them...for an afternoon nanny position.

Call it "nanny" instead of "mother's helper" and they'll bite!

I am becoming more awesome by the minute.

Just sayin'

[_msnobody]

When I was a stay-at-home mom even well after the kids had started school, I did like not working, but somehow I felt stagnant. Of course kids are older now and I went back to work and do enjoy it while getting much satisfaction from it. I did alot of surfing while I was at home too. To be honest, I think many marriages experience similar situations as you have described. Perhaps there is some depression too.

I will make one suggestion as this is something I think I'd like my hubby to do. We used to do just about everything together. I think it would be quite refreshing to do a household task together and rather than it being a mission of sorts, just enjoy doing the task together. Sort of like when you were dating and you'd do what you'd think would win her over. Being considerate. I'd let her pick though. Maybe something she's been meaning to do, but hasn't gotten around to it yet <<<- carefully chosen words. You gotta be careful how you word things when you talk to her. Another thing is when I ask DH to do something for me, rather than him getting one of the kids to do it instead, him actually do it for me. Just simple little things. For instance, a while back I asked him to please fix the screw that had come out of the wall of the wire shelving in the laundry area. Rather than fix it, he wanted to get a friend over and put in like wooden shelves and do it up nice. Well, I was quite pleased with the work I had done putting up the wire shelving and just wanted him to put another anchor in the wall. I'm sure he thought his suggestion was a very thoughtful one which it was. If I'd wanted some dude from church to fix it, I'd of asked him. So, as it stands right now, Fawn Brodie and a Boice Bible commentary is holding up the shelf. Hey Merc, you want to come over and fix my shelf? And bring your lovely bride.

[_Yoda]

Sounds like she needs to grow up. She had the kids (and didn't you say she wants a few more?) well damn she can't just play incubator for 9 months and leave the kids to go feral. The kids will only do as well as (both) parents do towards helping them from the earliest years. Sounds like you need to get her outta the house, or at least out of the Sleep-Wakeup-Feed the kids-crash on the couch with magazine-feed the kids-crash on the couch with Computer-rinse and repeat-sleep cycle.

This message brought to you by Bond...Single Childless No Parenting Experience James Bond.


Depression might also be involved...I know too well the cycle of Internet-TV-no work-no exercise-sleep repeat can lead to getting in a rut.

Bold emphasis mine....Um, yes, that's patently obvious by your response.

Merc, you're best listening to Jersey Girl's detailed advice.

;)

One thing I would like to add here, Merc, for what it's worth.

My husband and I are like Felix and Oscar. He's the neat freak. I am so not!

I won't put up with things "dirty", but I am a total clutter person, which drives my husband nuts, but we've managed to stay together 21 years, anyway.

When I had the girls, I was 25, young, and stupid. Caring for the a 3 year old and an infant physically wore me out! I echo what Jersey Girl said about constantly picking up just to keep things half-way sane, and the place still looking like a tornado hit!

Basically, as the girls got older, things got easier. You're still dealing with kids in the "baby-messy" stage. You may need to just give it some time.

I'll tell you...it has been a wake-up call for me being on sabbatical and trying to keep up with the antics of my 4 year old! I'm 44! Quoting the great Danny Glover, "I'm too old for this crap!" ;)

I do think it would be a great idea to talk to your wife about some things that interest her. Maybe she could channel some goals for when the kids are a little less demanding and in school. Would she be interested in going back to school? There are a lot of great online programs. I would be happy to get you a list, or consult with you further more specifically via PM.

If she is spending a lot of time on the Internet anyway, maybe she would be interested in taking an online class? That might be interesting. It would be a way for her to interact with people in a medium that she is familiar with. Normally, with online classes, there are study chat sessions, online blackboard assignments, interactions with professors via email, etc.

Hang in there, hon! :)

*cyber hugs coming your way*

Liz

[_Yoda]

One thing I also wanted to add here....

I know how you feel about the Church, Merc, but since your wife is still active, there might be a way to actually use the Church to your advantage. ;)

Do the other young mothers in the Ward ever organize play dates? They do that in our ward. Everyone just takes the kids to the park on a specific day. It give the kids a chance to play, everyone gets out of the house, and Mom actually gets to converse with adults!

Also...maybe her visiting teachers would be willing to watch the kids for a day, or half-day so she could get out and have the afternoon to herself to go shopping or whatever?

For me, sometimes just going to the grocery store by myself is enough to give me a little bit of a pick me up. I can play my iPod in the car, with music I like, and of course, I usually stop by Starbucks... ;) (Yeah, I know...I'm the Jack-Mo of the group. That's why you like me. LOL)

[_Jersey Girl]

Mercury,

I've thrown out alot of ideas to you here. I can spout this stuff for days, just trust me! Let me know if even one thing "clicks" for you as a possiblity and we'll pursue it if you want. You know your wife better than we do so if something "fits", just let me know and we'll go with it.

In the mean time...I have another question.

Does your wife speak to the children? I'm not trying to be insulting here, I just do know what it's like to be an introvert and forget to talk to people. I'm wondering if you think the children are getting enough in the way of verbal exchange for this is how young children learn to communicate verbally, the dynamics of verbal communication and build vocabulary.

If you don't mind, could you give me some examples of your 31 month old's speech? You could PM it to me. I want to see if her language development is typical or not. If you choose to do that, write it out exactly the way she speaks. You might have to do it phonetically. Not to worry! I can decipher phonetic spelling! Also include whether or not you think she can respond to questions that are posed to her.

If her language is about typical in nature, you've got a built in teacher for your 10 month old. That might be reassuring to you if you feel that Mom isn't very verbal with the children. If Mom isn't very verbal with her, what YOU don't want to do is speak for her. Do you get that? Do not pose questions and answer them for her as if you are carrying on a conversation all by yourself. So, shoot me a list of phrases if you're of a mind to. If you choose not to, I understand.

This is what you don't want to do:

"How about some milk with your dinner? Oh that sounds good, I'll get you a glass of milk."

Here's another one: She's sitting at the table holding up her sippy cup. And you say...

"Oh, do you need more milk? Here, I'll get it for you."

If you think she's low on verbal exchange opportunities, you can counter that by avoiding the above and giving her plenty of opportunities to ask and respond. Let's look at it again with those ideas in mind.

This:

"How about some milk with your dinner? Oh that sounds good, I'll get you a glass of milk."

Becomes this:

"Do you want milk or juice?"

(There you are giving her language, a choice, and the chance to respond)



This: She's sitting at the table holding up her sippy cup. And you say...

"Oh, do you need more milk? Here, I'll get it for you."

Becomes this:

She's sitting at the table holding up her sippy cup. And you say...

"Tell me what you need"

(There you are encouraging her to communicate without you mindreading and speaking for her.)


See? I am a veritable fount of ever flowing information!

:-)

[_Mercury]

Also, one question...do you know if the house is baby-proofed?

Definitely. I did it myself.

[_Mercury]

Mercury,

I've thrown out alot of ideas to you here. I can spout this stuff for days, just trust me! Let me know if even one thing "clicks" for you as a possiblity and we'll pursue it if you want. You know your wife better than we do so if something "fits", just let me know and we'll go with it.

In the mean time...I have another question.

Does your wife speak to the children? I'm not trying to be insulting here, I just do know what it's like to be an introvert and forget to talk to people. I'm wondering if you think the children are getting enough in the way of verbal exchange for this is how young children learn to communicate verbally, the dynamics of verbal communication and build vocabulary.

If you don't mind, could you give me some examples of your 31 month old's speech? You could PM it to me. I want to see if her language development is typical or not. If you choose to do that, write it out exactly the way she speaks. You might have to do it phonetically. Not to worry! I can decipher phonetic spelling! Also include whether or not you think she can respond to questions that are posed to her.

If her language is about typical in nature, you've got a built in teacher for your 10 month old. That might be reassuring to you if you feel that Mom isn't very verbal with the children. If Mom isn't very verbal with her, what YOU don't want to do is speak for her. Do you get that? Do not pose questions and answer them for her as if you are carrying on a conversation all by yourself. So, shoot me a list of phrases if you're of a mind to. If you choose not to, I understand.

This is what you don't want to do:

"How about some milk with your dinner? Oh that sounds good, I'll get you a glass of milk."

Here's another one: She's sitting at the table holding up her sippy cup. And you say...

"Oh, do you need more milk? Here, I'll get it for you."

If you think she's low on verbal exchange opportunities, you can counter that by avoiding the above and giving her plenty of opportunities to ask and respond. Let's look at it again with those ideas in mind.

This:

"How about some milk with your dinner? Oh that sounds good, I'll get you a glass of milk."

Becomes this:

"Do you want milk or juice?"

(There you are giving her language, a choice, and the chance to respond)



This: She's sitting at the table holding up her sippy cup. And you say...

"Oh, do you need more milk? Here, I'll get it for you."

Becomes this:

She's sitting at the table holding up her sippy cup. And you say...

"Tell me what you need"

(There you are encouraging her to communicate without you mindreading and speaking for her.)


See? I am a veritable fount of ever flowing information!

:-)

that's the pattern I follow when communicating with the toddler. Language development, when compared to her peers is on the same level. She greets us and has a good grasp of common phrases but when she speaks with no contextual reference to make obvious she mumbles.