Just a teenager?

[_Sam Harris]

I was surprised to come home and see that they had indeed done their chores, and I hope that keeps up. I'm still a bit concerned, because we ended up overdrafting this weekend on little petty things that the girls wanted. Steve seems to still be somewhat in that buy them things kick, though he realizes that his ex does little more with them than take them to the mall. We were talking about that issue this morning, and I said it would be on her shoulders should her kids grow up with few interests other than shopping. One could only hope as they got older that life would present them with situations that would make them more serious.

With regards to our funds (namely my paycheck, since it hit first), he felt it was ok for us to have overdrafted, because "we did it for the girls". I really have trouble with that logic. But I'm trying to cope. It's only for a few more weeks...

[_Yoda]

Might I suggest separate bank accounts? It's kept us from getting divorced for 22 years. ;)

[_Sam Harris]

For some odd reason, he thinks that things will go bad if we have separate accounts.

[_Dr. Shades]

Their mother wants to go to the Middle East to work, and Steve doesn't want that. I tentatively agreed to let them come live with us because neither of us feel comfortable with them living there (especially these two completely Westernized girls, good heavens!), . . .

Who cares whether you feel comfortable with them living there? At least in the evil twin's case, that sounds like the very best thing that could happen to her.

All I really want is for feisty twin to clean up after herself. She won't do that unless you literally stand over her.

The solution is simple. She is to have one plate, one bowl, one glass, one fork, one spoon, and one knife assigned to her. Every meal is to be served on the same plate. If she wants to eat from a clean plate, etc., she either puts the plate in the washing machine herself or, if she forgets, she hand washes it. If she does neither, then she eats off a dirty plate with dirty utensils.

They do not seem to object to our relationship, in fact the calmer twin stays under me.

What does "stays under me" mean?

I just wasn't raised that way. And some of the parents I've talked to about this are kind of puzzled.

Puzzled that Steve isn't like you, or puzzled that you aren't like Steve?

. . . he felt it was ok for us to have overdrafted, because "we did it for the girls".

OH. MY. GOD.

Am I out of line if I say that it's good that you didn't marry him?

[_Sam Harris]

Their mother wants to go to the Middle East to work, and Steve doesn't want that. I tentatively agreed to let them come live with us because neither of us feel comfortable with them living there (especially these two completely Westernized girls, good heavens!), . . .

Who cares whether you feel comfortable with them living there? At least in the evil twin's case, that sounds like the very best thing that could happen to her.

And you are right, because if they went over there, I think that it would not only be a huge culture shock, but they might be in danger of being singled out for the way they dress. I had a friend who studied in Egypt for a few years, and the stories she came back with...

All I really want is for feisty twin to clean up after herself. She won't do that unless you literally stand over her.

The solution is simple. She is to have one plate, one bowl, one glass, one fork, one spoon, and one knife assigned to her. Every meal is to be served on the same plate. If she wants to eat from a clean plate, etc., she either puts the plate in the washing machine herself or, if she forgets, she hand washes it. If she does neither, then she eats off a dirty plate with dirty utensils.

LOL, how to get doting daddy out of the "it's so cute" mode in order to enforce this...

They do not seem to object to our relationship, in fact the calmer twin stays under me.

What does "stays under me" mean?

She's very attached to me. She likes to spend time with me, and she's the one who never complains, is very obedient. The other one thinks she's a queen, and I think she needs to be taken down a notch, but I'm not saying anything.

I just wasn't raised that way. And some of the parents I've talked to about this are kind of puzzled.

Puzzled that Steve isn't like you, or puzzled that you aren't like Steve?

No, puzzled in that fiesty twin acts the way she does, because their kids don't. It's all in the parenting.

. . . he felt it was ok for us to have overdrafted, because "we did it for the girls".

OH. MY. GOD.

Am I out of line if I say that it's good that you didn't marry him?

I'm still furious about that. It cost me a lot of money for transactions that totaled less than ten dollars. I'm livid. But he will recompense when they leave. I'm gonna be quiet now, but he's going to make some changes if he wants the relationship to continue. Right now, I'm the one making the long-term decisions, he says to tell him to step up, but I feel he's an adult and I shouldn't have to. At this point in time, I feel like his thinking is kind of shallow, and a lot he does is ego-based, so you have to be careful what you say to him...he won't take it the way it's intended. But he knows I'm not happy about what happened with our finances, and he knows that I have other concerns. If it doesn't work out, he has no one to blame but himself. He keeps using my health as an excuse not to look at the issues we have. I'm a survivor, I can get rid of him, mom, everyone else who's there part-time and do bad by myself.

I'm still waiting to see how long the feisty twin will keep up after herself.

[_Dr. Shades]

You really should tell Steve that the way he's been parenting so far is NOT okay:

[_Jersey Girl]

For some odd reason, he thinks that things will go bad if we have separate accounts.

We've had separate accounts from day one so naturally, I think it's a good idea. What about:

1. Separate accounts

and

2. A household account to which you both contribute to pay general household expenses?

In my observation, things go bad when people fail to communicate regarding finances, parenting and such. From what you've posted on this thread, you're communicating after the fact. If you can get on top of these issues by agreeing on some guidelines which you both committ to following through on, I think you'll save yourselves alot of stress.

You cannot dictate to Steve how he will parent his girls. You do however, have the right to ask him what his approaches and strategies will be regarding your shared child-to-be and also inquire as to what his reasoning is behind the decisions he makes regarding his girls.

Being willing to put your account into overdraft isn't a good sign, Sam. Better to develop some guidelines prior than to find yourselves mopping up after the fact.

Does that make sense?

[_Jersey Girl]

One more thing and I'm choosing not to edit my above post incase someone is copying it for a response. Very often, couples who are unmarried (or even married!) and expecting a child shy away from bringing up issues such as finances, parenting and such, simply because they fear losing the relationship.

If you fail to iron out these issues now how greater might the loss be later on down the road? If your relationship isn't based on open communication and resolution....what exactly are you afraid of losing? And what chance does the relationship have of surviving?

Not speaking directly about your relationship, just in general.

Going on what you've provided in your posts, statistics are clearly against your relationship surviving. With some forethought, you can totally beat the odds.

[_Bond...James Bond]

I just want to go on the record and say I'm sooo glad I don't have to do any parenting [right now].

[_Dr. Shades]

I just want to go on the record and say I'm sooo glad I don't have to do any parenting [right now].

Yes. Be very, very glad.