Hello Again

[_Sam Harris]

I'm back for a few. Not much better, back in the hospital (ah, modern technology, wireless in the hospital), but the bright side is that these doctors are finally going to do something to solve the problem with my clotting on the brain. They admitted me early this morning. Turns out pregnancy and birth control exacerbate my condition. It was shortly after I got prescribed one of the newer birth control methods that I started feeling sick.

Steve got kicked out of the ER (LOL), but it was a very emotional moment, because the only hospital system I have access to here has judged me to be a hypochondriac (their laziness), because of the number of times I've had to be seen. At least 25 times since last year, and almost all for the same problem. So they see me coming for treatment which usually involves heavy narcotics, and assume that I'm coming just for a hit. I've even had doctors tell me the last five times I've been seen in the ER, and where I've been seen. I consider that to be disrespectful. Too many ER physicians who shouldn't have passed medical school, trying to imitate House. You can't look at someone and tell right off (all the time) what's going on. Not to mention, if any of those doctors had looked at my MRI reports, I wouldn't have gone this long without treatment. It took my painful hysterics, my mom's tears and Steve's anger to get a doctor to see me. I lay there for two hours before they even let a nurse see me.

So my options are either surgery to drain the excess blood, blood thinners, or they might have to take the baby early. Pray they don't, I'm only 31 weeks.

Just an update for those interested. Please keep my family in your thoughts.

-Sam

[_Yoda]

Sammy, I sent you an email.

I'm going to try and call later this afternoon.

*HUGS*

Liz

[_Some Schmo]

I hope all goes well for you.

[_beastie]

I hope you do well, Sam.

I empathize with the difficulties of working with the medical community. If you do not have an obvious and easily diagnosed disease, you tend to be dismissed and labeled a hypochondriac - particularly if you are a woman.

[_Dr. Shades]

So they've finally identified the problem and the days of being labeled a hypochondriac are forever over, right?

[_Sam Harris]

Thanks for the well wishes, everyone. I hope that we'll get some more concrete answers now. It does suck to be labeled a hypochondriac. I've had doctors just tell me I'm depressed and need to exercise more. They feel that if your oxygen levels are ok, if you're breathing ok, no fever, and your blood pressure is ok, you're ok. But that's not always the case. I have a normally low temperature, so I always present with "no fever". I didn't have any of the above symptoms presenting abnormally when I had my first stroke, but I was lucky enough to have a doctor who paid attention to the pain. But I am getting impatient.

If it isn't just the health problems, it's the financial problems. Social Security said that despite my stroke, since I can walk, I'm not considered disabled. I'm not going to appeal, I've decided to wait until I can get a final diagnosis, and my chances for disability for at least a year or two fare better if I have surgery. Both me and Steve are kind of hoping it goes in that direction. The further along I go in my pregnancy with a clot, the more potentially fatal it becomes for me. I'm not scared, just emotionally worn out. I'm going through thoughts that if God does exist (I've never really made much of an issue of it), he's a masochist. Our apartment threatened to evict us over a $53 dollar electric bill that isn't even two weeks late yet. But they can turn off our water and keep the place a dump....I'm calling head managment monday and holler. LOL, Steve says he's gonna get me a shirt that says "BEWARE HORMONAL PREGNANT WOMAN". People thought I was mean before...

I hope that our new administration makes some changes to health care. Because once I lose my medicaid (two months after I deliver), it will be near impossible for me to get it again. VA asks that a family of four to have a "disposable income" of $6,000 a year. I pay double that in rent.

Well, I'm gonna eat now. I appreciate the well wishes. I'll keep you updated. I'm kind of sad, my baby shower was supposed to be a week from today. But we'll probably have it after the baby is born. The goal now is to get throgh the rest of this year.

Blessings,

Sam

[_Gazelam]

Sorry to hear your in the hospital. Look on the bright side, all the jello you can eat ! And you can't not be happy while eating jello : )

get well soon

Gaz

[_Sam Harris]

LOL, I wish they would give me jell-o. That would be nice. So far they've failed to feed me adequately. This morning I had a little bowl of raisin bran and two small blueberry muffins. :-)

On a side note, I see that once again my illness will be another platform for my mom to get attention. Others can see so clearly that the woman should never have had me, but she seems to think she has "done all she could". My aunts are finally starting to acknowledge that I'm sick, even though I've been this way for a year. When one of my aunts had her anyeurism, everyone was visiting her and praying for her. It took my family a year to hear about my stroke. The only reason my mom's sisters admit I'm sick is because she complains about "all she has to do for me". She doesn't mention that for every time she's accompanied me to the ER, I've gone six times alone, and Steve's gone with me three.

She keeps trying to cancel my baby shower outright. It's like she doesn't want me to have that day, but others are determined that it will happen. Our finances have been such that unfortunately I've had to ask my mother for help, and she's always made a huge deal out of it. She even tries to make it seem like I owe her more than I do. I asked her for $50 to reserve the party room at my apartment for the shower, and the only way she would help is if she completely took over the plans. A week later she was complaining that no one was helping her (but I didn't want her to do this), she made me invite people who would most assuredly ruin the day, and then played dumb about it when I had to curse those people out and tell them I didn't want to see them. These particular folks think it's "too late" to get pregnant at 27. 16 is far better. I'm sure she was prepared to get up and say how she did everything by herself, despite people coming in from everywhere to bring food, decorations, etc. When she realized that wasn't going to happen, she took the first out.

I couldn't drive home from the ER on thursday (though I should have just risked it), so I asked her for a ride. She was closest. She said she wanted to cancel the shower (like you wanted to cancel my college plans?), because "you're took sick, you're not ready". I told her no. She got mad and went on about how alone she was, and how if this was going to work, everyone helping would have to adjust their schedules to her. *sigh*

She was here last night going on and on about how tired she was. She asks me the same questions about the doctors three and four times, saying she's so stressed she can't think...and says that I don't really pay attention to her when I answer her questions. Well, after I repeat myself for the fifth time, I don't feel like paying attention. So she goes on and on about how I tell everyone but her stuff, go to everyone else's house but her (I'm not supposed to visit my in-laws), treat everyone else differently than her. This is a woman who will offer help out of one side of her mouth, but withdraw it from the other. I'm just tired, and slowly distancing myself. She said that in exchange for the baby shower (she put down money she was paid back and bought some food, and had everyone else do the rest of the work), she wouldn't be doing anything for her grandson until he was "old enough" (3-5 years down the road). I stayed in this area because she asked, and now we're struggling financially because of my illness. She said she'd help me, but all she does is watch me fall.

I'm kind of glad I won't see her today. It's rediculous. I'm facing surgery and childbirth, and all you can do is talk about how tired YOU are. But when I cut you off, you're going to work yourself into hysterics.

*sigh*

[_Moniker]

Sam, I've wondered how you were doing and I'm glad Steve is being so attentive to you and you're getting medical treatment. Best wishes for you and your new family.

[_Sam Harris]

Moniker! You're here!

Steve has really come through, after the few initial weeks of cohabitation where I really truly wanted to kill him. I think my illness kind of knocked a lot into perspective for us.

GOOD NEWS is that I have once again avoided having my skull opened. I have some problem with the nerves in my scalp on the left side predominantly, they could be pinched or damaged, but what I'll be needing is pain management from now on. I had originally gone for that earlier in my pregnancy, but so many people are afraid to give medicine to pregnant women. Had I been able to successfully do so, I would still be employed. But I won't be bitter. Look on the bright side, I'm not dying (LOL).

I've reached a crossroads with my mom and family; I'm about to start one of my own, and cannot truly and honestly keep dealing with my mom's baggage. I don't know whether or not to distance, and forgiveness is hard. But non-forgiveness weighs on me.

I should be going home tomorrow hopefully. My OB still has to see me.

Thanks for all the well wishes.

-Sam

P.S. I could sure use some jello...