Hello Again

[_Moniker]

I have no jello, yet, I can empathize with breaking away from family. I always think it's difficult for many parents to let go and to allow us to lead our own lives. I'm so glad things are going better for you, Sam.

[_Dr. Shades]

I don't know whether or not to distance, and forgiveness is hard.

With all due respect, how can you possibly NOT know? Sounds like the biggest no-brainer in the history of no-brainers to me.

But non-forgiveness weighs on me.

Then forgive her--from a safe distance.

[_Sam Harris]

You're 100% right Shades (LOL, and you've told me before), but she makes it so difficult. My mom guilt trips me on every thing I do. She's a drama queen. Everything is about her. I used to wonder if she had cancer or something, because she would make a big deal about going to the doctor, but wouldn't tell us what for. Turns out they were just regular checkups. She's always tired and overwhelmed, and she makes a point of telling me she can't sleep because of my health, and it's costing her so much. I know that there are others going through the same thing (like Steve), but they don't tell me outright. I have to practically threaten Steve to get him to rest. Mom will tell me how little rest she's had and why (me, of course).

The main reason distancing is hard is because I'm expected to do it in a joking kind of way. If I say how I truly feel, everyone will say it's wrong...but isn't it wrong for her to treat me the way she does? Last night she made it sound like my aunts couldn't call me to see how I was doing unless I gave permission...I'm not that unapproachable. If I gave out the number to my room, why then would I forbid people to call me? She just has to have control, and wrestling it back is hard.

Physical distance is going to have to be key, but we can't move until next year. It seems that even just across the Potomac is far enough for her not to venture...plus DC and Maryland have better programs for things like daycare assistance. VA is for the rich...Commonwealth indeed.

I've gotten fat. Looked at my belly this morning, it wasn't that big two days ago. :-)

[_Dr. Shades]

How is she able to say all this stuff to you? Do you phone her multiple times a day, does she phone you, do you go over, does she come over, or some combination of the above?

[_Sam Harris]

If I don't contact her, she will contact me, and go on and on about how I don't contact her. If I don't contact her she will let her sisters and my brother know that "I'm not talking to her". She always makes me out to be upset with her for no reason. One of the biggest issues has been me having to repeat ad nauseum the instructions and orders that the doctors give me. I'm already in over my head with this stuff, and it's hard having to repeat it six times a day. It never seems to sink in for her, and when I get flustered having to tell her (and Steve) over and over and over again what doctor I'm seeing when, she gets offended.

It's just that a big deal is made out of everything with her, if she doesn't get her way in how she deals with me, she makes me out to be a villain. And I'm not supposed to say anything to her.

Physical distance is the only option at this point. I've tried to talk to her about her behavior, and all she does is wig out and run away.

It's complicated. I can't escape as easily as I would like. I've tried, and when I say I'm through, she works herself into this emotional frienzy and ends up in the hospital...then I get yelled at by my brother...who often tells me to just cut her loose.

I feel like I'm in a no-win situation.

Good news though...I get to go home today. Yay, my own bed! And real food!

[_Sam Harris]

I was editing my other post but I got kicked off...

I do visit her, as I live less than a mile from her. I stayed in the area at her request, but when it came time for me to move, she refused to help me move one box. And I was already pregnant at the time. Steve was coming from the opposite direction with his stuff, so I moved my stuff alone. She has my stepdad by the balls, so he was too afraid to help me that day, too. I had no one else.

She treats me like crap, but complains that I spend more time with others, will go to other people's houses. She's always complaining that I don't come around (I try not to), but when I'm there it's always about her.

She's very jealous of any attention I pay to others.

If I cut her off, I lose my whole family. And there are still a few folks who care about me, I don't want to lose them. Not to mention, my Father's family will get word, and since no one on either side really knows what I'm going through (and probably won't listen because of their views on parent/child relationships), they'll just see me as being disrespectful and they'll shun me.

I sometimes feel like I can't win.

[_Dr. Shades]

Wow. What a pain in the tail.

I vote that you let her go on and on to anyone she pleases. I also vote that you let everyone else think whatever they want to think. If they all choose to take her side, then you probably didn't want them around anyway.

Easy for me to say, of course, but still--I can't help but cringe whenever I see someone in a perpetual "thank you sir, may I have another?" cycle.

Let's face it, she's never, every going to be satisfied anyway. It's like you're trying to drill holes in water. Why not fast-forward to the inevitable conclusion?

[_Sam Harris]

I was talking to someone yesterday (actually the hospital chaplain, they're fun to chat with), and she said that from what I was telling her, it seemed like I'm on a precipice of sorts.

I think the birth of the baby will change a lot, because for a long time I was afraid to have kids because I thought I'd turn out like her.

Yeah, you're right about my family's reaction, but there's still a few proverbial hairs left hanging onto this band-aid I've been trying to rip off for years. I'm very family oriented and I'm not sure how I'd cope with losing my family, even though to be honest, they haven't been there much for me at all.

I'm learning. I'm hardheaded but I'm learning.

Drilling holes in water, I like that.

[_Dr. Shades]

I'm very family oriented and I'm not sure how I'd cope with losing my family, even though to be honest, they haven't been there much for me at all.

It sounds like you already have lost them.

[_Jersey Girl]

Sam

I'm very family oriented and I'm not sure how I'd cope with losing my family, even though to be honest, they haven't been there much for me at all.

I didn't read all of the comments here, but I'm throwing in my 2 cents anyway.

Sam...Sammi...Samalama...Samalama ding dong :-)

You are going to create your own new family that will become your future. I wonder what kind of Grandma she'll be?

Somewhere in one of your posts above, I noticed a sentence where you said she always has to have control.

Here's my question: When did she lose control in her life?

I don't mean a couple of instances where she was non-controlling. I mean what happened in her life that made her feel she had lost control?

Do you know what I mean?