TOPHER TINKster!!!!

[_Imwashingmypirate]

AHHH... Listen to me... this is how serious I am, I am making it public where my mum and anyone I know can find this.

Just listen.

I am not confused by anything you have done or said. Infact I probably encouraged more than anything.

I am not upset by anything you have done or said, in fact I have laughed lots.

I am more settled, not because of you. I am more settled in myself because:

I stopped searching for the truth concerning religion and started letting life flow, which is probably partly why I haven't been going to church.

I decided within myself and in my heart mind and everything that my dad wasn't worth it. That I was not going to worry what he is doing get to me and that I don't need him in my life to just make me guilty or scared.

That I was going to let go of my feelings and let myself slip back into numbness.

I don't want to feel numb but it helps me be in more control of my emotions.

Every so often, I feel things as does everyone. And yes I get upset. Like tonight when reading my work, it made me realise that I can be better than I am. And also dissapointed me that no one told me just how good my work was and how easy it was to do. I spend so long worrying that it wasn't good enough and held it in late because I couldn't get over it. EVERY one of my lab reports that I held in last semester were worth a FIRST. Really and I lost 25 % for each because I held them in late. Bringing them down to 2.1s and 2.2s. And I only just found out. These reports were submitted and marked 6 months ago. After I lost determination.

I feel I fought to go to uni and I only wanted to go for two reasons, one because I enjoy Physics and the other because I needed and wanted to prove everyone wrong. Getting there was proof of the latter because I was told I'd never get to uni. So then I had very little left to hold on to. I decided to make myself feel better that I would no longer do this for others but rather myself and let myself with little to give me determination.

I am Physically tired, you know that. Since 2006 I have fallen asleep in lectures, I have been to the Drs about this several times as you know.

Having motivation is hard. I barely want to be there if I wanted to be there the desire would overcome the tiredness and Id get my butt into uni whether asleep or not. I have done it before. I just don't feel the point because I lost faith in myself. I felt like I couldn't do it because I didn't take into account that late submissions lose marks and didn't believe I was able or so long that I almost gave up. The only thing stopping me was the idea of going home and getting a job. I love my family to bits, but I need space sometimes and with my little brother around I don't get that at home, I love him but he tires me out because he is always in my face wanting some kind of attention and I don't have it to give him. And also that I wont be able to keep in touch with you and others. Also the fact that everyone except my mum saw me as a retard and slow (even my mum said I was a fart in a trance and in my own world and she was right) but when your taught this for so long you can go one of two ways, whats the point? or I am going to prove them wrong. I am leaning towards the whats the point side right now simply because I can't feel it, I can't feel anything without fluctuating like last year.

When I say I fluctuated I mean literally I fluctuated several times a day sometimes. Hence why some people thought I was Bipolar. There are two people in this chat that I went to when feeling low, Jersey Girl and Moniker. Mostly Jersey Girl because I feel I grew up almost with her in my life. She is like my "Cyber Mum". I was so confused, infact there may even be threads in here where I was conused and if you had time to go through all my blogs including the ones I never let anyone see, you would probably get a fright. I lost my faith in everything religious including God. The only reason I am still a Mormon is because I need the security that I felt, I need to feel the closeness I once felt with God. I don't feel that closeness anymore, I almost force myself to believe just so that I can find God. I tell myself I believe and that I know the church is true because I am trying to convince myself. I don't know if the church is true or not. I know that there must be a God because of what I feel concerning Nature and it amazes me. Nature is all I had at one point ( not including family or friends, but I could hardly talk to my family about it), I had to use nature and it's beauty and wowness to believe that there is more than this. It worked that is why I am so fond of nature, because I believe it saved my mind when I was so lost.

I stopped worrying about religion and put my trust in what I hoped was God and just flowed a long.

I didn't feel real and at this moment I still don't but at that point last year I was feeling things as though I was not in my own world and being pulled out by some kind of force and it broke me. Everything hit me at once and I didn't know where I was at.

I realised my Aunt had actually died and I knew she did I saw her incredibly ill when her cancer got to her brain and she didn't even know who I was. That hurts me now, but at the time when she died I never felt it and I would say that was a god while ago, in fact when I still lived in Scotland. I have been in England over 4 years and only begun to eel it last year, so probably about 5-7 years ago. I felt I needed her last year and I didn't want her to be gone. I hoped she could remember me because she didn't just before she died because she meant a lot to me. She was more of a Grandma to me than my real Grandmas or anyone else in my life. Her house was somewhere I could get away from things, whenever my dad would allow it.

I started seeing that some things just aren't right. I knew at the time things weren't right but you don't feel it because you are too busy surviving. I had no identity or knowledge of who I was, I just floated. Things didn't have meaning.

I even got to a point where I couldn't hold a discussion in these forums and to be frank, I still can't and yet when I was younger I could read everything and take in everything and discuss it all and it was good, pretty much up until I started losing myself and if you look at the other forum I showed you at the end of 2007 and say something from 2006 you will see it, I wouldn't have to say this.

I was accused of having so many mental illnesses I had to see a Psychiatrist for reassurance because I was starting to believe these people.

I now have a psychologist which you know about which I wouldn't have if I never talked with Jersey Girl. I would never have talked to my Dr about things, I wouldn't wish he never left to go to another job because he was the best, most understanding Doctor I have ever met. He helped me so much. As did Jersey Girl and Mon. I wouldn't be the much calmer in control person I am now without them and without my mum. Without my mums most beautiul email that I have stuck on my wall. She is such an inspiration.

I have learned a lot over the past year, more than I could ever have expected and on everything except what I am supposed to learn, and I wouldn't change that. It is all very valuable to who I am.

The point of all this is that I am not more confused. I am less confused, more settled and more happy. You see one night where I am feeling low and it makes you feel bad, I know you care but really it isn't your fault. You haven't confused me at all.

If you could have seen me last year. You wouldn't even have such thoughts.

When I cried last year, I could barely breathe and I was literally crying my eyes out and was noisily crying. Not just sniffling, literally pouring my heart and eyes out. And, I didn't always know why. Yet, at another point in that day I could have been overly excited and hyper. I'd be having a laugh. But it wasn't always real, it was making me feel better and covering for something I wasn't sure about.

Learning to accept things has helped, to know that this is who I am and that what is is and what was was. That doesn't change who I think I am or of how much worth I have, it only changes my position and outlook on lie enough so that I am not in agony both emotionally and with a headache and sore throat and totally soaked with tears.


It also doesn't mean I am relieved of my deepest feelings because they are still in there ust not surfacing because I have in a sense shut down again so that what was isn't real and wasn't me and that what I am doing in my life is out o my control causeing me to wander through life and letting what happens happen, which is why on some things I have to keep pulling myself back because that is how it is flowing but I don't feel ready or don't want to want such things. Because I am perhaps scared o what might happen or scared of letting things happen that might take control of me that isn't nature, or in otherwords I barely have control of myself enough to let someone else have control also. I don't want to float and I want to feel real but if it is a choice between feeling real and not feeling real, I'd rather think that I am happy than know that I am not. I was upset sometimes because I didn't feel real and wanted to, but then realised feeling real wasn't all it is cracked up to be.

You asked me to focus and said I can get the desire back. Perhaps I can, but you must understand that when a person is full of emotional, the emotion takes over the ability to rationalise so much so that whatever they are told cannot change how they are feeling during that climax of emotion. Last year I wrote an essay for a class and I talked about desire and motivation. I talked about how lack of desire reduces motivation and lack of organisation affects a persons desire. I wrote lots more which is what I was looking for in my memory stick. I still believe this. Last year to help me motivate I made my background from different things that meant something to me.

I had a mountain because in my personal statement I wrote an analogy in which I compared Physics with the view from the top of a mountain and how climbing that mountain makes the view more worthwhile and I recieved a hand written note back which talked about and added to my mountain analogy. I had some Physics images because this is what I wanted to study. This is what I want to gain as much knowledge as possible in. I had a picture of my mum because she is the only person that said I can be what I want to be throughout my life and also because she has been so strong for us and I love her and some other things to remind me to focus and a sentence across the top saying "What is the best thing you could be doing right now and why aren't you doing it?" And yes it did motivate me, but it didn't bring back that freshness and love for something I held so dear to me. I say I can't get it back because I am emotionally and physically tired.

So please don't think it is something to do with what you have said or done and please don't think I am more confused because I don't think I have ever felt less confused.

And believe me when I say I will tell you if you upset or bother me because I will tell you. I tell you when I don't like your facial hair or when I think something else would look better. You know, I have probably offended you several times with my overly honsty.

SO PLEASE SMILE AND BE HAPPY! I know how you feel and I listened to what you were saying and you did help me, I stopped crying. I started again though lol.

I don't like it when you feel sad especially when you are sad because I eel sad or when you are worried because I am sore, it is sweet and flattering but I don't want to see you hurt too. Then it just adds on to what already is and oh oh oh you soooo gotta read the Celestine Prophesy and the other books you have. Keep your eyes open :) Things will jump out at you, it helps to listen with open ears and an open mind.

I am feeling loads better now that I got it out and maybe if I keep reminding mysel that I can do better that I will gain more self worth and faith in myself. I will try. I know I have tried but realisation of the quality of my work now in comparison with the work I have done previously tells me I need to sort it out and I know that just saying it doesn't help and i know there is little time left till exams but it must be better than how I am going. The thing that makes it hard it that I keep wanting to sleep even when I have slept well in the night. I fought it today so I could sleep good tonight so hopefully I will wake up refreshed.

Please don't think what you do think because I will encorage you more haha mwahaha. Um and you are not selfish. Far from it. You take time out to listen to people and how you are with Apple is just so amazing. So, STOP thinking that! OK?

I need to eat something, I have only had some noodles today. :/

Sooo.... RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Haha "I love what you've done with your window". :P

[_Imwashingmypirate]

Oh I know what you are talking about, I will talk to you about it later. Don't worry.

[_Bond James Bond]

Sounds like you're just going through the uncertainty of being young and growing up. You'll get through it. Five years from now you'll look back and be like "man I was screwed up". Everyone does it. You'll be alright pirate. YOu're a good egg.

[Guest]

Do not let people tell you who you are or what is going on with you over the net!

Okay, I love you and take care.

[_Imwashingmypirate]

I can't believe you guys actually read all of that. Thank you for your advice. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah... is how I feel now.

Mon you are sweet. Um... I don't think I have so much the same problem as you concerning people on the net and I am sorry that's how it has been for you. I have had problems before but at this moment all is good, perhaps because I pull myself out of things and distance myself.

I know Topher in real life and have known him a while, he is a good friend which is why I was upset that he was upset because he felt he confused me and he didn't and I am much less confused and more settled than I was last year. I was trying to explain why.

[_Blixa]

I read this too late last night to reply.

I'm glad you're feeling better pirate. You are unconventional and smart. That can be both wonderful and a lot of trouble. I wish you more of the first, and little of the latter.

[_Imwashingmypirate]

I read this too late last night to reply.

I'm glad you're feeling better pirate. You are unconventional and smart. That can be both wonderful and a lot of trouble. I wish you more of the first, and little of the latter.

Thanks, I too am glad. I don't really know what the rest means but thanks :P

I hope things are going good for you.

[Guest]

Deleted

[_Imwashingmypirate]

Awww ... Your such an Amazing girl Pirate ! Its hard not to want to fix things for you .

What do you mean? You want to come over and do some DIY? Lol kidding. That is sweet, but you would find I am not amazing and I think I will manage looking after myself. You're a dork lol.