2020 Election Satire

[Philo Sofee]

He wouldn't be able to know how to properly dawn that kind of complicated apparatus, so this story is fake fiction...

[Nomomo]

Biden Could Receive Classified Intelligence Just by Hanging Out in Mar-a-Lago Dining Room
ANDY BOROWITZ NOVEMBER 12, 2020



PALM BEACH, Florida (The Borowitz Report)—President-elect Joe Biden could obtain all the classified intelligence he needs simply by hanging out in the public dining room at Mar-a-Lago, members of the international espionage community recommend.

“Biden shouldn’t worry about getting official intelligence briefings,” a foreign spy, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said. “He should just reserve a table at Mar-a-Lago, and he’ll hear everything he needs.”

The spy offered his own methods for obtaining classified intelligence as a possible roadmap for the President-elect. “Get a table near Trump, order an omelette, and turn on your recorder,” he said.

Calling the last four years “the golden age of spying on the U.S.,” the intelligence agent was philosophical about the impending Biden Presidency. “Nothing lasts forever,” he said.

[Nomomo]

[Jersey Girl]

Someone...I think it was Stephen Colbert, opened an online thing about Thanksgiving. His contribution was that this year...the turkey would pardon the President.

Instagram? Twitter? Yes, I know I'm a wealth of detailed information.

[Nomomo]

National-Security Experts Support Total Withdrawal of Trump from U.S.
ANDY BOROWITZ NOVEMBER 18, 2020



WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A broad spectrum of national-security experts support the immediate and total withdrawal of Donald J. Trump from the United States.

In an open letter signed by over three hundred members of the military and intelligence communities, the experts wrote that Trump’s withdrawal is “long past due.”

“After nearly four years, this conflict is over,” they wrote. “It is time to reduce the troop level from one to zero.”

“It is no longer in the interest of the United States for Trump to be stationed here,” they added.

The experts recommended that further steps be taken to reduce Trump’s footprint on U.S. soil, and called for the immediate withdrawal of Ivanka, Jared, Eric, and Don, Jr.

Source > https://outline.com/LPESxX

[Some Schmo]

Even if Trump left the country, there would still be the rotten citrus stench.

[Gunnar]

Speaking of stench: White House Staff Trying To Literally Remove Trump’s Stench From Oval Office

So here’s a little bit of a funny slash disgusting story for everybody to, to close out the day. And that is, it was reported on Monday that white house staffers or having to go around the white house. And, you know, obviously in the oval office and light scented candles to remove the stench that has taken over the white house, because Donald Trump who is growing increasingly depressed, I guess, from, uh, the election results, not favoring him has been gorging himself on fast food. So now the smell of fast food is permeating. The entire white house and staffers are going around. They’re trying to clean things, wipe things down, light the sentence, scented candles, possibly put little Glade plugins everywhere she has. So it doesn’t stink so bad anymore.

And this is not even satire! White house staffers are already going around the Whitehouse trying to remove Trump's stench, even before he actually leaves it!

[Some Schmo]

And this is not even satire! White house staffers are already going around the Whitehouse trying to remove Trump's stench, even before he actually leaves it!

OMG, that's entertaining and sad simultaneously.

I don't know why, but the only thing I remember Kirsten Gillibrand saying from the primary debates, when asked what the first thing she would do when she got into office would be, said she would "fumigate the Oval Office." It still makes me laugh.

[Doctor CamNC4Me]

Gunnar,

C’mon, man. Ring of Fire > Raw Story > DailyMail Tabloid > Author is Caroline Graham, the US Editor of said tabloid using ‘sources’ and ‘insiders’

- Doc

[Nomomo]

Putin Warns That U.S. Will Be Controlled by Americans
ANDY BOROWITZ NOVEMBER 25, 2020

MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Asserting that his “darkest fears have been confirmed,” Vladimir Putin warned that the United States is on the verge of being controlled by Americans.

Speaking to reporters at the Kremlin, the Russian President alleged that President-elect Joe Biden was “the handpicked instrument of those who would seek to advance American interests.”

“Joe Biden is no more and no less than a puppet of the American people,” he charged.

“His Cabinet appointments have left little doubt that, after four years of progress, the United States has fallen into American hands,” he said. “Joe Biden is keenly aware that Americans put him in power, and he will do their bidding.”

Russia experts said that Putin’s remarks were as close to a concession speech as he is likely to make.



https://outline.com/6n7qLD