Mormon Discussions and Covenants

[_Kishkumen]

Christ, you are such a pain in the ass. I had nothing to do with this. When the news broke, I was on a private guided tour of the Holy Land!

\m/

Win!

[_Cylon]

holy crap this thread wins the internet

[_cwald]

holy crap this thread wins the internet

Yeah, as one of the other new guys here...I'm telling ya this is some good stuff.

[_bcspace]

Where is my revelation?

You and I are lumped together in verse 28. No pun intended.

[_Ludd]

16. Behold, they have sought to destroy you; yea, even Gerald Bradford in whom you have trusted has sought to destroy you.
17. And for this cause I said that he is a wicked man, for he has sought to take away the university facilities wherewith you have been entrusted; and he has also sought to destroy your apologetic gifts.
18. And, behold, Satan hath put it into the hearts of these anti-Mormons to alter the words which you have caused to be written, which have gone out of publication.
...
21. For these enemies have put into their hearts to do this, that by lying they may say they have caught you in the words of bitterness and personal attacks and ad hominem and invective, rather than the righteous work you had really done of merely warning my people that John Dehlin is the servant of Lucifer.

Christ, you are such a pain in the ass. I had nothing to do with this. When the news broke, I was on a private guided tour of the Holy Land!

\m/

I don't care who ya are ......... THAT'S FUNNY!

[_Ludd]

Revelation to Mormon Discussions given 27 June 2012. Members of the board were wondering about the circumstances surrounding Daniel Peterson being released as the prophet....err, removed from the Mormon Studies Review. Rumors circulated among both the Saints and the wicked about a certain article that was to have been published by the Church...err, the Maxwell Institute. In response to many fervent prayers and fasting, the Lord gave that which follows.

1-4, Mortality is a period of linear time; 5-6, the Lord loses track of his thoughts; 7-8, Gerald Bradford and John Dehlin are agents of wickedness; 9-15, the work of apologists shall continue; 16-22, Bradford, Dehlin, and Satan's conspiracy explained; 23-25, the faith of the apologists will make them strong like the undead; 26-27, the Lord punishes Mormon Discussions by the mouth of his servant, Droopy; 28-32, talk that talk.

1. Now, even at this time, hearken unto the counsel which ye hast inquired of at my hand,
2. For verily, now is the time that thou shalt listen; thou canst not listen in the past, for it has already come to pass,
3. Nor can thou listen in the future, for it is not the future right now. Behold, it is now right now, and in this time of presentness shalt ye give heed,
4. For how can thou do anything in the past or the future, if thou are currently in the present?
5. Where was I? Oh, the thing with Gerald Bradford. Yea, this was the subject on which I was revealing mine words unto ye, before it came to pass that I got sidetracked with revealing the precepts of linear time;
6. Anyway......
7. Because mine apologists delivered up those writings that I inspired them to write, concerning John Dehlin, who is the anti-Christ, into the hands of a wicked man, even Gerald Bradford, behold, they have lost the power to apologize for my Church,
8. And I have taken away the use of my facilities at my holy university, and darkened their minds, and chastened them with an sore chastening,
9. Nevertheless, if they shall walk in faithfulness before me, and in no wise reconsider the pettiness of their ways, or the triviality of that about which they are willing to devote an hundred pages with extensive footnotes,
10. Behold, it shall be but a short season, and then shall they find a venue of some sort to continue their work in my name,
11. Yea, for the building up of mine kingdom, for such faith shall it take to believe the words of my apologists, that surely it taketh nothing to belief the things that are espoused by my holy Corporation,
12. Verily, there are many who are called to be apologists, but there are few who are chosen. And why are they not chosen? Because they do not learn this one lesson:
13. That when I tarried on this Earth, and made an remark about straining at a gnat but swallowing a camel, this was not an admonition, but a commandment!
14. And if ye understand this saying, and have desires to apologize for my holy Corporation, behold, thou art called to the work,
15. Be thou therefore vigilant in whom ye trust with the apologetic articles that I have inspired, for thine enemies circle about, even as flying monkeys seeking the ruby slippers;
16. Behold, they have sought to destroy you; yea, even Gerald Bradford in whom you have trusted has sought to destroy you.
17. And for this cause I said that he is a wicked man, for he has sought to take away the university facilities wherewith you have been entrusted; and he has also sought to destroy your apologetic gifts.
18. And, behold, Satan hath put it into the hearts of these anti-Mormons to alter the words which you have caused to be written, which have gone out of publication.
19. And behold, I say unto you, that because they have altered the words, they read contrary from that which you translated and caused to be written; for now they say horrific ad hominem things about John Dehlin, which are hurtful to the feelings, when really all ye had said is that John Dehlin is a wicked man, and naughty, and to expose him for the anti-Christ that he is
20. And, on this wise, Gerald Bradford and the enemies of my Corporation, who have infiltrated my holy University, have sought to lay a cunning plan, that he may destroy this apologetic work;
21. For these enemies have put into their hearts to do this, that by lying they may say they have caught you in the words of bitterness and personal attacks and ad hominem and invective, rather than the righteous work you had really done of merely warning my people that John Dehlin is the servant of Lucifer.
22. Verily, my judgment awaits Gerald Bradford, and John Dehlin, and all those who oppose my holy apologetic work, even unto the fourth and fifth generation,
23. Behold, Bradford and all those guys have only suppressed a part of the truth which I inspired you to write; wherefore, continue thy work, and if thou shalt have faith in me, and obey my commandments, and receive mine ordinances, and shop at my mall, and stay at my hotels, and eat at my restaurants, and watch my TV stations,
24. And most of all, if thy check cleareth when thou shalt offer your tithe unto the bishop,
25. Then behold, I will make a way for the truth that is revealed through mine apologists to spring forth, even as the zombies sprung forth from the earth in the video for Michael Jackson's Thriller;
26. And it is pleasing unto me that my servant Droopy shall continue to rebuke the inhabitants of this board; yea, with much boldness, and prolixity, and all manner of metaphors,
27. And except it be that the inhabitants of this board repent, and humble themselves before me, I shall in no way cease to continue punishing them with the works of my servant, for as Pharaoh, King of Egypt, failed to submit despite the plagues I visited upon his people, so also shall the inhabitants of this board suffer the wrath of Droopy's return among you, until ye repenteth in sackcloth and ashes,
28. All things are numbered unto me, and in repentance shall thy voice cry unto me in the night,
28. Yea, one and two and a three and four
29. Come forth and let me know if you want some more
30. Thou knowest what I like, now get right;
31. Yea, talk that talk to me all night;
32. Even so. Amen.

Holy crap, At-One-Man, that's some f'n funny stuff!

You've still missed a few deserving subjects: juliann, Scribbler the Slave Trader, Judas Iscariot Hauglid, and Kevin "Allahu akbar" Graham, among others.

I look forward to the next "installment from on high" come tomorrow, assuming you've recovered your strength after tonight's "Super Swingers Special" at the CasBar.

[_grindael]

Verily, these are mine own words, and shall never be changed nor edited. Even so. Amen.


Last edited by Mormon Jesus on Sun Apr 15, 2012 1:20 am, edited 11 times in total.

Priceless.

[Guest]

Section 144

Revelation to Mormon Discussions given 10 July 2012. There were still rumors abroad regarding the martyrdom of certain apologists. The businesses of the Church were also a matter of discussion. Having ensured that all of his worshipers had their car keys, and having sent forth the Three Nephites to change the tires of the faithful who were stranded at the roadside, the Lord gave the revelation which follows.

1-3, The Lord has something to say, if that is okay with you; 4-7, hysteria and a persecution complex are pleasing to the Lord; 8-11, the Lord's followers should be martyrs in all things; 12-18, rebuke and instruction to the people of the board; 19-28, the Kingdom of God is among you, cash and credit cards accepted.

1. Behold, I am the Lord, who sits upon high, for heaven is my luxury box, and the earth is the basketball court on which I watch you play;
2. Yea, and my word is sharp and cutting as a gas-powered Weedwacker; wherefore, hear what is written, which I have spoken by my hand unto the people of this message board, even Mormon Discussions,
3. For now that we have established who everyone is, I speak unto you at this time, if that be all right with you people, seeing as how I am the Lord and all;
4. Verily, there is still much marveling, and astonishment, and amazement, that some of mine apologists have been removed from their places at my holy university,
5. Know thou then that there thus is much cause for all manner of speculation, and intrigue, and conspiracy, and plotting; yea, unto secret combinations, for surely there are no simple administrative decisions at work in this matter;
6. For I came not to bring peace, but a sword, and anyone who in any way shall second guess mine apologists, or their many sayings, or the workings of my Corporation, is thy enemy,
7. And it is pleasing unto me that there shall be all manner of hysteria, and conspiracies and rumors of conspiracies, for the last days shall be filled with paranoia, and perpetual victimhood;
8. Yea, thou shalt nurse thy persecution complex so that it may wax strong, and if any man shall tell thee that thou hast a persecution complex, behold: he is persecuting you;
9. Behold, no point is too trivial that it must not be analyzed, and the analysis analyzed, and the analysis of the analysis analyzed, and so on until thou reachest eternity,
10. And my people shall be martyrs in all things; yea, there is no hill that is too small to die on,
11. Wherefore, climb every mountain, ford every stream; follow every rainbow, until thou shalt find thy dream,
12. Ye of this message board should also be of my people,
13. Behold, how often would I have gathered you, as the child gathers his Pokemon cards, but you would not come,
14. And for this cause have I chastened thee, by sending forth Droopy, and ldsfaqs, and obvious sock puppets, and Tobin, and if I am particularly angry, stemelbow;
15. For whom the Lord loveth, he chasteneth, and thus ye see that those whom I have sent to punish thee must mean that I love thee a whole lot;
16. Yea, I have inspired these, my servants, that there may be wailing, and gnashing of teeth, and banging of the head against walls and desks, and the utterance of foul oaths, until ye repent, and make this message board more pleasing unto me;
17. For one thing, it is my desire that those who receive my words set their board preferences to 3myl_parchemin, because it looks more biblical that way, for if a thing sort of looketh to be arguably of ancient date, and if the speaking shall be even as that of the Bible, or more or less a facsimile of it, then behold: is it not the word of God?
18. Of course it is.
19. And now I say unto thee, marvel not that the world wishes to report on how my Corporation maketh lucre,
20. For the honors of men, and the things of this world are pleasing unto me,
21. Ye have heard it said that at my coming, the sword shall be beaten into a ploughshare, and the lion shall lie down with the lamb,
22. And Zion shall also befriend Babylon; behold, is this not a sign that the Corporation is mine?
23. Therefore, rejoice in my many businesses, and in mine holy mall, where Tiffany and Porsche Design flourish, that costly fripperies and baubles may be had,
24. For now that I think about it, warding off urban blight is as good an explanation as any for why my Corporation needeth a staggeringly expensive mall in Salk Lake City,
25. Which city was established by the pioneers of yore, upon my rock,
26. Yea, dost thou not remember? We built this city,
27. We built this city on rock and roll.
28. Even so. Amen.

[_just me]

I <3 this 4evah

[_Cylon]

Forgive me Lord, for I am weak and have failed to follow thy just commandment. Verily I did set my board preference to 3myl_parchemin, and yea, it did give godly weight to all the sayings of this board, but also yea, it did make the words difficult to read in that tiny italic script, and therefore I did return to my previous wicked ways and use prosilver.