One: Not all men want to serve a mission.
- No one ever heard him say he wanted to go on a mission. Everyone knew he felt the need, because his older brother had went, and he had prayed about going on one. Because his mother would be devastated if he didn't serve and everyone would finally respect him if he went. But when asked by me and a friend if he wanted to go, he very obviously averted the question, saying he needed to go. He cried before his setting apart, told his friends he didn't want to go, and ultimately almost made himself late for his flight because he just didn't prepare.
Two: The psychological well being of everyone involved with a missionary is significantly altered by his leaving; and it seems no one thinks this is a problem.
- His mother, a generally happy person and very, very devout member, didn't even show up to church the Sunday following his leaving. His father never spoke about his youngest son's mission, getting quieter and more irritable with anyone helping him to leave the closer the day of his son leaving came. His close friends cheered him on with his decision, but the moment he was gone, questioned why he would actually go. (Because of statements mentioned above.) And I, well, I'm not in very good health. I have Panic Disorder that I worked on in therapy with this man, and had been essentially trained by my therapist to call him whenever I had an attack. Having a heart condition, they refused to give me any medication, and when they did once, I ended up being allergic. So you can imagine that when he left, and I had a large relapse, that I was not entirely okay. I had no one to call, and I cursed him under my breath for making me take those sessions with him. It has strung this week into four doctor's appointments, numerous insistence I request his return, the inability to hold down food, and an overnight in the hospital strapped to an IV to raise my blood sugar because my heart was beating so fast, so constantly, my metabolism began going insane. I've been counseled several times by two different specialists that they believe separation anxiety, coupled with panic disorder, is something extremely hard to medicate. and impossible with my allergies. These people plead with me to tell this missionary, and all I can tell them is that even if I did, there's no way he would leave his mission for this.
Three: Along with the health problems, I'm feeling outrageously guilty.
- He had a problem with porn and masturbation that needed to be fixed before he would even be allowed to file his mission papers, and it never was. He lied about it, and continued to do it right up until at least a week before his mission. I would always ask: "How's that problem?" and he would either tell me it was fine that week, or confess he had been up to it again, and make me promise not to tell anyone. The last time he had confessed to me he had been doing it was the Thursday before he left. So now he's gone, and I'm sitting here wanting to tell the bishop, but knowing that is his responsibility, not mine.
All in all, this experience just this week has given me a perspective on missions. And even though the church says men don't have to go on a mission, the pressure from church members, family, and even the occasional girlfriend who overlooks his feelings, is so immense, that he serves is so massive, that in all reality, he is forced to anyway. From now on, I'm going to tell young men not to go unless they want to, without any pressure affecting their decision. I'm sick of this feeling that I sent off someone to something they weren't ready for, didn't want to go on, and shouldn't have gone on.
I do not hate Mormons, I just see Mormonism as a secularized "pseudo" church organization organized to make money and impress.