The DoubtingThomas dating / relationships MEGATHREAD

[_Analytics]

I only read a couple posts off of the old thread, and don't know everything that was said. But if I were in your shoes, here is the advice I'd give myself:

Read the following books:

The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism by Olivia Fox Cabane
No More Mr Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life by Robert A. Glover
The Noble Art of Seducing Women: My Foolproof Guide to Pulling Any Woman You Want by Kezia Noble
Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones by James Clear

I will. Thanks.

Then, I'd bite the bullet and pay to join some premium dating websites. The world is drowning with lonely women.

Where is that world? Beautiful girls that are lonely probably do not exists on planet Earth.

Actually, there are plenty. They don't always stay lonely and they will have standards and not always be desperate, but they do exist.

Part of the point of those books is that what women find atractive probably isn't what you think. If you can increase your confidence, power, presence, and warmth, you can compete with anybody for the most atractive girls. And if you have real confidence, you can take some rejection without being a pussy about it. If you get some game and then approach 100 women, you'll get some bites. But you have to play the game. Read The Game by Neil Strauss for some inspiration.

The thing is, you have to get off your ass, make some changes to yourself and how you relate to others, and then get out there. Every attractive girl with a guy used to be single, and many will be again. And many are single, right now. The guys they hook up with are the guys who are out there playing the game.

[_Lemmie]

Beautiful girls that are lonely probably do not exists on planet Earth.

...you can compete with anybody for the most atractive girls....

....Every attractive girl with a guy used to be single, and many will be again. And many are single, right now. The guys they hook up with are the guys who are out there playing the game....

You are talking about women as though they are one-dimensional things. But, DT baited you into it, which in my opinion is his intent. It's always so discouraging to see conversations go this way.

[_EAllusion]

DT is about as prime of a person to be radicalized by the manosophere as I've personally seen. Recommending that he read "The Game" is about the worst possible advice imaginable.

DT doesn't need to learn to neg women. He probably needs a little therapy.

[_Res Ipsa]

I only read a couple posts off of the old thread, and don't know everything that was said. But if I were in your shoes, here is the advice I'd give myself:

Read the following books:

The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism by Olivia Fox Cabane
No More Mr Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life by Robert A. Glover
The Noble Art of Seducing Women: My Foolproof Guide to Pulling Any Woman You Want by Kezia Noble
Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones by James Clear

I will. Thanks.

Then, I'd bite the bullet and pay to join some premium dating websites. The world is drowning with lonely women.

Where is that world? Beautiful girls that are lonely probably do not exists on planet Earth.

If you viewed beautiful girls as full, complete people and had conversations with them on that basis, you'd be surprised at how many of them are lonely.

[_Res Ipsa]

The 'ambiguity' may be inside your head.

Right.

If you feel like you can't help thinking about her and should ask her out, ask her out. If she says no, be cool and let it be.

Okay. I am just waiting for the right moment. I am a little bit worried.

And at some point you can learn to chill a bit more rather than making small things into mental catastrophes by grounding yourself in life experience and perspective.

I need to. Thank you for your advice. I am simply trying to be happy.

Believing that you need a girlfriend to be happy is part of the problem. Time spent with a good therapist working on how to be happy would be well worth it.

[_Res Ipsa]

DT is about as prime of a person to be radicalized by the manosophere as I've personally seen. Recommending that he read "The Game" is about the worst possible advice imaginable.

DT doesn't need to learn to neg women. He probably needs a little therapy.

What's a little frustrating for me is that DT seems to me to be teaching himself to be a helpless victim. He needs a girlfriend to be happy, but then actively searches for obstacles that prevent him from getting a girlfriend. it almost seems like trying to make helpful suggestions actually just enables his helplessness.

[_Some Schmo]

While I think a lot of these suggestions are good, the whole enterprise feels a little like a comedy class. There are some things you can't really teach (or at least, instruction only goes so far).

DT, I think you instinctively know what you need to do, but I suspect your internal dialog is getting in the way of following your instincts.

The underlying message all these pieces of advice have in common is that you need to make yourself lovable to be loved. That's the bottom line.

[_EAllusion]

DT is about as prime of a person to be radicalized by the manosophere as I've personally seen. Recommending that he read "The Game" is about the worst possible advice imaginable.

DT doesn't need to learn to neg women. He probably needs a little therapy.

What's a little frustrating for me is that DT seems to me to be teaching himself to be a helpless victim. He needs a girlfriend to be happy, but then actively searches for obstacles that prevent him from getting a girlfriend. it almost seems like trying to make helpful suggestions actually just enables his helplessness.

DT's posts have consistent themes that flirt with the misogyny present in the various manosophere subcultures. There's this vaguely unsettling miasma of seeing women primarily as potential objects of his fulfillment, desperate loneliness, and somewhat broken, but obsessive reasoning that just hangs over his posts.

Suggesting that he try to fashion himself into a oughts pick up artist is genuinely some of the worst personal advice I've ever seen on this board. I mean, that's bad advice for anyone, but especially him.

Whatever could go wrong with someone like DT succeeding or failing at becoming a PUA? Since nothing has happened since 2009, I guess we'll never know.

[_Ceeboo]

DT,

Most women (just like most men) desire a relationship/partner. While this surely includes sex, it is by no means limited to just sex. A healthy adult relationship can bring a wide range of mutually rewarding benefits and it can, if you're fortunate, be one of the most valuable things in your life.

My advice would be make it crystal clear to everyone (your coworkers, family, friends, neighbors) that you are single, available and are looking to enter the beginning stages of a relationship. This not only shows signs of maturity, it removes any possible doubts for anyone who may be interested in getting to know you on a more intimate level. In addition, by putting this information out there to everyone you know, you have the potential of meeting someone that they know who might be in a similar situation.

While there are certainly many steps involved in adult relationships, complete transparency from you regarding where you are now and what you are looking for is your absolute best first step.

Good luck!

[_Jersey Girl]

DT I thought I had mentioned this on one of your previous threads. If not, I'll say it now. I think you would benefit from a therapist who can act as life coach. I don't think it would need to be a forever relationship, but I do think it would be to your benefit in a number of ways.

When I read your posts, I hear someone who hasn't got a sense of connectedness. Things like having an inner circle of friends, groups of people that you share interests and experiences with. As I write this, I know it's coming from a strong Introvert and I don't like groups of people either. That said, I do enjoy taking classes with others.

I think that a therapist might encourage you to determine your interests and look for social connections that involve your interests. That's not to say that any girl you date has to share your interests. But, it might be a good start to get you into a group setting.

Maybe it would help if we shared where we met our significant others. I'm at least willing to say. We met at work when we were both teenagers.

I agree with some others here, that our talking to you about this probably doesn't help to do much except to keep you stuck at questioning level. I think it's a good sign that you are curious about how to live life but I think you have to get out there and find out who you are. And live it. I don't think that you know who you are yet and that's okay. I do think a good therapist who can act as life coach (and they do) and mentor could help you gain insight. The experience part is on you, friend.